The poky little puppy.

This morning is cool and damp, and our — me and the dog, that is — morning walk took twice as long to cover the same distance. For some reason, the ground smelled very, very interesting. I had nowhere I had to be, so I gave him all the time he wanted. He studied that ground. He gave it long, thoughtful sniffs. You could see the little wheels turning.

Most days, I’m pretty happy to be a higher-functioning primate, but on mornings like this I wonder what I would give to be a dog, just for one cool, damp morning. The grass would be your morning newspaper, as Dave Barry once said.

Our neighborhood is also thick with rabbits. Apparently it’s a problem all over the area — the Freep did a story on it, although I’m not going to go looking for linkage — and they’re doing major garden damage. We hardly have a garden at all, but they’ve lopped off the tenderest hosta leaves already. I see piles of bunny poop here and there, and at least once a day the dog flushes one out of the neighbor’s yard. He knows he can’t catch them, but he gives chase anyway; it’s in his contract. The other day he chased one around the swingset twice, both prey and predator giving it about a three-quarter effort before the cottontail bolted for the hole in the fence he always uses for his getaway and the dog came in for his good-boy biscuit.

Why do people read Hollywood gossip columns when they can watch drama in their own back yards?

But speaking of Hollywood: Poor Vonzell. How you gonna keep ’em down at the post office, after they’ve seen Paree? I was kind of rooting for Bo to be booted, after it was clear he had achieved his dream in life: Singing with Lynyrd Skynyrd, or however you spell it. What else can a mediocre rock singer ask from life? On the other hand, I have one more week of amusing, Bice-based wordplay. My favorite (thanks to J.C.B.): Extremism in the defense of liberty is Bo Bice.

I guess he had to make it to the finale, so we could finally see the all-time-best reality-TV ending evah: Bo swings his mic stand one last time, the base comes off and spins into the judges’ table, knocking Paula Abdul senseless. Or rather, more senseless than she usually seems to be.

Ashley, all I can tell you is this: I wouldn’t buy a record by any of these people at gunpoint, but watching them compete against one another is pretty decent entertainment.

Next season, however, I may skip watching the show entirely and confine myself to the recaps on Tvgasm. Much funnier: Vonzell, again, is first. For her, Simon has chosen �On the Radio�, the Donna Summer classic. Vonzell begins and sounds exactly like Summer herself, and then — what�s this — Vonzell breaks out into full-on Jazzercise mode!! Look at her go! Grapevine that shit, Vonzell, Grapevine it, Girl! Listen, only a handful of women can move like that in heels, and 90 percent of those women have penises, so credit where it�s due: Vonz has got the moves.

Man, I’ll be glad when sweeps is over and I can go back to reading in the evenings. Last night Alan worked late and I was sure he’d have to work later after the dramatic season finale of “America’s Next Top Model.” After all, the Detroit girl won.

Posted at 9:17 am in Uncategorized |

14 responses to “The poky little puppy.”

  1. Mindy said on May 19, 2005 at 10:45 am

    Save the fallout from your hairbrush and tuck it around plants that the bunnies find particularly toothsome. The smell of us higher-functioning primates keeps them away.

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  2. blue girl said on May 19, 2005 at 11:34 am

    Mindy, does this work for deer?

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  3. mary said on May 19, 2005 at 11:54 am

    Ditto on every buying an album by anyone from American Idol. We do watch it most of the time, though.

    I think Paula is making an effort to appear less chemically enhanced. Either that or they’ve strapped her into her chair. I miss the standing up drunk style clapping and her dancing to every song.

    The reason I’m looking forward to sweeps ending is NBC’s programming on Wednesday nights. OK, there’s Law and Order at ten, which is only barely watchable these days, but before that is “Revelations,” preceded by shows like “Real Life Exorcisms,” or equally creepy stuff. Have they decided Wednesday is endtimer night or something?

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  4. Nance said on May 19, 2005 at 12:33 pm

    Mindy, one year I begged access to the manure pile at the Fort Wayne Children’s Zoo, and filled a trash bag with poop, figuring at least some of it was that of a predator. Poop is a hell of a lot more aromatic than hair, and it did exactly this much good: Nothing.

    I think a fence is the only way to go, if you’re serious. Or just a change of attitude. I get more pleasure watching the dog chase those cottontails around than I do looking at the hostas.

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  5. deb said on May 19, 2005 at 2:05 pm

    human hair didn’t work for me, either. i was trying to discourage a particularly cheeky chipmunk that was parking its ass on a window ledge every day, driving our cat insane. i used a whole bag of the stuff from the barbershop.

    even when it DOES work, you’re supposed to replenish it every time it rains, and it takes for-freaking-ever to break down. it’s been a year, and i’m still staring at an unsightly heap of gunmetal-gray old-man hair under my picture window. between the two, i’d rather have the chipmunk.

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  6. Mindy said on May 19, 2005 at 2:10 pm

    Hey there, blue girl. I’ve heard that the human hair trick works for deer but have no personal experience with it. But my small garden was no longer a bunny smorgasboard after tufts of my hair were tucked in the corners. Perhaps my cheap shampoo provided the offending odor.

    Wow, Nance, your effort to first try the non-chemical approach is most impressive. Predator poop from the zoo! Too bad it didn’t work. Would have made a great tip for the Sunday paper and possibly resulted in a busier weekend there, but tough on the zoo staff. Your fence idea is probably the winner.

    I can also vouch for a nasty spray made from bitter herbs that kept my puppy from chewing the patio furniture. Label sez it keeps bunnies and deer away from plants, trees, etc. It’s called simply Outdoor Repellent and its maker is Francodex. Check the pet supplies store and good luck.

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  7. mary said on May 19, 2005 at 2:42 pm


    The grey old man hair does sound depressing. Give me a crazed cat/chipmunk combo any day.


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  8. Dorothy said on May 19, 2005 at 3:22 pm

    Nance – when my Augie does the poky puppy routine in the morning, we call it a “sniff every blade of grass” day. I guess some days are just more interesting than others!

    My previous dog used to chase the bunnies like mad when we lived on a couple of acres, and had 17 empty acres beside us. He’d creep and creep, and freeze motion (half English setter/half golden retriever) and quiver from head to paws in anticipation. Then he’d bolt in a frenzy when they moved first. When we had to have him put to sleep, I petted him and cried and whispered to him, “Go catch that bunny now, Atticus!” I’m positive that’s what doggie heaven is: all the bunnies get caught. I guess that’s hell for the rabbits, though…

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  9. joodyb said on May 19, 2005 at 5:13 pm

    the hair is indeed too labor intensive. and the birds carry most of it off (yet another reason bird’s nests are not the most sanitary things kids drag home).

    as a night desker (hence unable to see any of this series), i was peeved not to find naima’s mugshot with the Freep online product. Alright, my expectations are too high, but jeez. hometown girl can’t get on the site? i know she’s elsewhere, but.

    son pete predicted from episode 3 she would take it. always trust the media-saturated 19-year-old.

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  10. joodyb said on May 19, 2005 at 5:16 pm

    oh, sorry, too much coffee, but i forgot to ask if anyone has seen Paula on The Insider? Scary-sad.

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  11. alex said on May 19, 2005 at 5:51 pm

    Between my doberman and three fat rolls of chickenwire I think I’ve got the bunny problem licked, at least around my veggies. Yesterday–while the Invisible Fence sales guy was there giving his song and dance–the pup brought us a slain baby ‘possum and five minutes later nearly killed a cat. One quick bitch, she is. The dog zapper goes in next Tuesday and should give wildlife at least a fighting chance.

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  12. mary said on May 19, 2005 at 7:32 pm

    ooh, Paula on the Insider. I missed that, but the idea of Paula and Pat O’Brien or whatever his name is in one place is pretty sick-fascinating. Now if we could get Paula on a Dr. Phil/Pat O’Brien special THAT I would watch. I’d tape that and use it to keep bunnies away. Hell, you could keep wildebeests away with that.

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  13. joodyb said on May 19, 2005 at 10:57 pm

    Paula/Pat combo made me downright woozy, esp. at 1am.

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  14. beth said on May 20, 2005 at 12:53 am

    I have been told that planting marigolds around the garden keeps deer away.

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