I walked around all morning wondering why the day was feeling so … spacious. I had work lined up for the afternoon, grocery-shopping before lunch, including my new favorite stop, Costco. (Giant bags of coffee beans! Yogurt by the pallet! Back up to that freight entrance and GIVE ME SOME PAPER TOWELS, goddamnit. I redefine “drunken sailor” in Costco.)
Then I came home, and remembered: I neglected my little community of dozens. Forgiveness, please.
It’s Election Day, and I did my civic duty. There was one (1) race on the ballot. School board, non-partisan, two candidates. Vote for this guy or that guy. I voted for this guy. My polling place uses an optical-scan method, in which great pains are taken to preserve the secrecy of your ballot; it gets a little modesty shield that keeps it hidden from eyes until it’s fed into the machine, which seems a little silly in a this guy/that guy primary, but I’m sure I’ll come to appreciate it one of these elections.
So, on to the bloggage:
Scarlett Johansson can’t spell “harassed,” but that’s OK — neither could I at her age. Scarlett, because I know you read this: The mnemonic I use is “her ass,” which should be easy for you, of all people, to remember. I saw your ass 40 feet high in the opening shot of “Lost in Translation.”
By the way, I found that item via wesmirch.com, the only gossip site you’ll ever need. Well, that and Defamer, of course.
My old colleague Mike Harden always had a way with a joke: My Appalachian roots make me glad I’m a newspaper journalist instead of a TV reporter. Were I the latter, my career would have ended the night I glanced up at a teleprompter story about Muslim unrest in the Mideast and tried to pronounce Shiite. More on the peculiar dialects of Ohio here. If only he could hear Michigan accents for a while.
And that, friends, is today’s lazy, flabby entry! Let’s hope for something better tomorrow.
MarkH said on May 2, 2006 at 7:25 pm
Wow, Mike Harden sure has gotten old! Oh…wait a minute..I think I did, too…actually, he looks pretty good.
Nance, did the Dispatch get off the pay-per-view bandwagon?
BTW, know what someone from southeast Ohio does who sells seafood right out of the water? He pooshes fraysh feesh…
brian stouder said on May 2, 2006 at 8:16 pm
And Alicia Keys ‘spelt’ the word “too” incorrectly – or misused the word “to” (take your pick)
Kirk said on May 2, 2006 at 8:51 pm
Yes, The Dispatch site is free now, MarkH. and i think you left out a syllable. it’s fray-ush feesh
deb said on May 2, 2006 at 9:04 pm
hmm. dees-patch link isn’t working for me. but the suggestion of ohio dialect does remind me of a great enterprise i wanted to work on as a freelancer — the dictionary of american regional english in madison. they didn’t need any help, but i did tell them that my chicago-born husband and my appalachian-born self had different terms for the last slice of a loaf of bread. in southern ohio, it’s the heel; in chicago, it’s the butt (or butt end). they already knew. what a dream job!
nancy said on May 2, 2006 at 9:10 pm
Just noticed the style error in that paragraph of Harden’s. I remember when the proper spelling was TelePromTer, but I think nowadays just one capital letter is expected.
TelePromTer. Or was there a P in there? That might even be an abbreviation. J.C.? You’d know.
Kirk said on May 2, 2006 at 9:28 pm
it’s just teleprompter now, nance. looked that one up the other day.
and dispatch web site is getting bombed with inquiries about election results. of course, we don’t have any because one polling place in cleveland was ordered to stay open until 9:30 because the nitwit poll workers didn’t show up. so the brilliant secretary of state, also a candidate for governor, said that no results can be released until all polling places are closed
i wonder what it’s like in countries that know how to run elections
nancy said on May 2, 2006 at 9:31 pm
Today, teleprompter. Can “Thermos” be far behind?
Excuse me. Of course I meant “vacuum bottle.”
Kirk said on May 2, 2006 at 9:34 pm
yeah, that has the ring of saying “personal watercraft” instead of Jet Ski
Jeff said on May 2, 2006 at 10:25 pm
Y’know, you can just post a lame entry and not even apologize, Nancy. Fer what we’re payin’ yuh, thots plenty of wordsmithin’.
And smile, fellow Ohioans: Blackwell’s nomination has given new life to the Strickland campaign, which may actually find the money to do posters that are better than grey on beige. Even us freelancers will have fun with the stories to be written between now and November in the Buckeye State.
Say, now that i’ve already said yes, what’s the goin’ rate for editing obits?
Kirk said on May 2, 2006 at 10:29 pm
my dad’s a lifelong republican, but he’s voting for strickland. there are a lot of solid republicans who want no part of a candidate who takes advice from a frothing yo-yo like rod parsley
brian stouder said on May 2, 2006 at 10:49 pm
Well – present company excluded (as always!) – one wonders how many life-long Ohio Republicans will make a black and white snap decision in the November race; and garnish the thing with a sprig of parsley
Kirk said on May 2, 2006 at 10:51 pm
there’s bound to be some of that, too
MarkH said on May 2, 2006 at 11:21 pm
I learned all about SE Ohio inflection from a master: then-state representative Don Maddux from Fairfield County. When I was working at Lancaster’s radio station 30+ years ago, he would come in to do his re-election campaign spots, reminding voters in his nasal tone that he was “yur oh-FEEE-shul state rep-ruh-CEN-tuh-teeve in Klumbus. One year we edited some of his spots into twisted messages (never aired, of course) much like Letterman does with video of politicians, esp. W. Old Don was a fromer high school history teacher and he’d be about 65 today. Where is he now…
MarkH said on May 2, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Sorry… forgot the ” after Klumbus.
jcburns said on May 3, 2006 at 8:38 am
Wikipedia has the origin story: The TelePrompTer company was founded in the 1950s by Fred Barton Jr., Hubert J. (Hub) Schlafly and Irving B. Khan. Barton was an actor who suggested the concept of the teleprompter as a means of assisting television performers who had to memorize large amounts of material in a short time.
TelePrompTer (with a ‘P’) was the trade name, and of course they tried to maintain their uniqueness by reinforcing their peculiar capitalization, which worked for a while.
But like so much kleenex and xeroxing and, sure, googling, it has oozed into genericland and has long since just been a ‘prompter’.
I’m more concerned that Mike Harden, in his headshot, seems to be receding into a white mist, as if he was only a distant memory from my past. Which, I guess, is about right.
And Columbus is, of course, Clumps. Clumps, Ahia.
Michael G said on May 3, 2006 at 9:01 am
I don’t know anything about political weirdness in Clumbus but we of the California persuasion certainly have our own weirdness in Sacramenno and Washton. If any of you have a worse Congressman than John Doolittle . . . It’s great to be represented by one of the stars of the Abramoff cluster. And what a novel income booster: tithing 15% of all one’s considerable campaign contributions to one’s wife. There are signs going up in Placer County exhorting the reader to “Stand by Congressman Doolittle, he stands by you.” By the way, is anyone else now seeing those horrible political ads virtually all year ’round or is it just here?
Connie said on May 3, 2006 at 9:02 am
I lived in Columbus for a short time many moons ago (my first job out of grad school was at the Upper Arlington library) And our favorite Ohio dialect word was the name of the city Nurk. You know, Nurk Ahia? Took us a while. Though I am still proud of my ability to properly pronouce Gallipolis.
Dorothy said on May 3, 2006 at 9:05 am
Brian, take another look at the pic of Scarlett and Alicia. Alicia’s paper is somewhat warped in the middle, and if you squint, you can see the first of two “o’s” that she printed. So of the two, she gets an A for spelling and Scarlett gets an F!
Many of the Ohio-isms mentioned in Mike Harden’s article sound an awful lot like Pittsburgh-isms, too. Don’t even get me started on the accents I hear in SC. My least favorite? THANK YEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
wade said on May 3, 2006 at 9:41 am
Dorothy, the reason Ahians sound like Pittsburghers is ’cause Pittsburgh is real close t’ Yunkstown. The main difference is in whether you say “Mononga-heyla” or “Mononga-heela”.
brian stouder said on May 3, 2006 at 9:47 am
“take another look at the pic of Scarlett and Alicia. Alicia’s paper is somewhat warped in the middle, and if you squint, you can see the first of two “o’s�? that she printed.”
Dorothy – you’re a better squinter than I am!! I cannot conjure up a second ‘O’ (nothing new there!)…and in fact, if you look at the spacing of the letters in the word above (“me”) – it casts doubt that her “to” is really “too” –
but I have learned, after years of happy marriage, that I’m generally never right about such things, so I concede the point!
Danny said on May 3, 2006 at 9:48 am
Wow, being from Appalachian roots myself, I just never think of Ohio as being part of that subculture. My lineage traces to southern Virginia and Tennessee. To me, folks from Ohio would be considered positively urbane and cosmopolitan.
Nance, speaking of Costco, do they have Jose’s Vanilla Nut at yours? It is our fave. So much so that I bring a vacuum container of it to work everyday (feeling somewhat like Fred Flinstone with an engineering degree).
nancy said on May 3, 2006 at 9:52 am
Southeastern Ohio is Appalachia, legally and culturally. We used to go cruising around the foothills in Athens sometimes when we were bored. One night we came across a school bus parked next to the road, with people living in it. A grim place, in pockets. But utterly beautiful.
And Columbus gets its twang from the Appalachians who came up to find jobs there. U.S. 23 is called the Hillbilly Highway, up from Portsmouth (pronounced “Poresmuff”) right to the hirin’ hall at Buckeye Steel.
Danny said on May 3, 2006 at 9:52 am
Dorothy, what about how they pronounce “hey” there as a three-syllable salutation. And if you like Thai cuisine and what a good chuckle, go to Taste of Bankok (I think that is the name). They are all Thai, but the girl has the best hillbilly accent I’ve heard from an asian person. Made me look twice.
Dorothy said on May 3, 2006 at 10:12 am
Bri, ya can’t see it on the small size – but if you click on the link to other pics of Scarlett trying to dodge the press, the first picture is a bigger one of the two gals. That’s the only place I could see the first of two “o’s”. Otherwise I’m as blind as you are!
Wade – I used to live in the Ringgold School District, which is based in Mon City (another nickname for Monongahela). My daughter dated a kid who was a native of that area and we had frequent debates about the “hayla” or “heela” syllable. She wanted to do it like the boyfriend so she said it “heela.”
Quick – who knows what famous football player graduated from Ringgold in 1974??? (Today’s trivia question – no prize, just for kicks.)
And Danny – you are right, not much funnier than an Asian person doing a southern accent. Our Russian exchange student is trying to do one, but fails every time he opens his mouth. I can’t even get him to do a line from “Midnight Cowboy” correctly, no matter how many times we practice! (“I’m walkin’ heyah!”) When I interviewed with a temp agency for a job after I moved here, the pretty girl I met with was a native of Brazil who had lived here for about 5 years. Her accent was mind blowing!
brian stouder said on May 3, 2006 at 10:20 am
Well, speaking of ‘Klumps, Ahya” – as the following excerpts of a news article show, you gotta have heart.
(from the Sac Bee – an article I cliked on because the headline had the word “dominitrix”)
“Charity exec sentenced in dominatrix scam
The Associated Press
Last Updated 6:49 pm PDT Tuesday, May 2, 2006
NEW YORK (AP) – A charity foundation’s former accountant, who admitted embezzling heart disease research funds that he used to pay an Ohio dominatrix to beat him, was sentenced Tuesday to two to six years in prison. Abraham Alexander, 45, of East Meadow, N.Y., pleaded guilty to grand larceny in March. Alexander admitted he stole $237,162 from the Cardiovascular Research Foundation between Nov. 2, 2003, and April 20, 2005.”
“Prosecutors said he used at least $11,000 of the money he stole to pay Through the Looking Glass, an online company run by Columbus-based dominatrix Lady Sage.”
and one more excerpt –
“The Web site of the dominatrix features numerous photographs of the 43-year-old pain professional in a leather, metal-studded thong and bra, high-heeled lace-up boots, a leather dress and in what appears to be a red latex rubber evening dress. It says she charges $250 an hour and declares: “Professional domination sessions are about good people having great fun.”
nancy said on May 3, 2006 at 10:25 am
He lives in New York but travels to Columbus for his whippings. Now there’s a guy who’s a glutton for punishment.
Michael G said on May 3, 2006 at 10:26 am
We get the same accent dissonance here. Walk into a Vietnamese restaurant in Burbank. The teenage Vietnamese waitress comes to the table, opens her mouth and out comes pure Valleygirlese. Can’t help but smile.
Michael G said on May 3, 2006 at 10:29 am
Wow! Things sure took a turn between the time I started writing the above comment and the time I posted it!
brian stouder said on May 3, 2006 at 10:29 am
“Now there’s a guy who’s a glutton for punishment.”
LOL!! This ain’t “Fly-over country” for ALL the coastal folks!
Kinda gives a new slant to “red state/blue state” dichotomy, eh?
Danny said on May 3, 2006 at 10:37 am
Kinda gives a new slant to “red state/blue state�? dichotomy, eh?
Whoa, glad I wasn’t sipping my coffee when I read that one. Good one, Brian.
Dorothy said on May 3, 2006 at 10:53 am
Lady Sage must be really good at being bad.
brian stouder said on May 3, 2006 at 10:59 am
Indeed! you gotta be GOOD to be a “Pain Professional”
mary said on May 3, 2006 at 11:55 am
I used to have a professional dominatrix as a next door neighbor. She drove a vintage black Cadillac with the license plate “SUBMIT.”
nancy said on May 3, 2006 at 12:01 pm
Again with the cool-neighbor one-upping! I think you’re a neighborhood-snob dominatrix, Mary. I think you need your own vanity plate: 2COOL4U
4dbirds said on May 3, 2006 at 2:14 pm
Here is a link to a Detroit based celebrity blogger. http://www.trent.blogspot.com/
mary said on May 3, 2006 at 3:25 pm
All this coolness now makes up for the first half of my life spent in New Jersey. Although Debbie Harry did go to my high school there.
brian stouder said on May 3, 2006 at 3:27 pm
Debby Harry! I used to really like Blondie; did you read about their bumpy induction to the R&R Hall of Fame? Lots of dramatics and so forth.
Seriously Mary, when you write your memoir, I will snap up a copy!
brian stouder said on May 3, 2006 at 3:33 pm
and you have to do a chapter or two of hotel stories, most especially including your dealings with ‘Queen-of-mean’ Helmsley (title that chapter Only Leona)
mary said on May 3, 2006 at 5:01 pm
Debbie wasn’t in my class. She graduated eight years ahead of me in 1963. Her sister Martha was a year ahead of me. Debbie was in my older brother’s class, but even in a smallish school, they didn’t hang in the same circles. I might have, but I got all the family coolness, as far as I can tell.
MarkH said on May 3, 2006 at 7:28 pm
As we Pittsburghers know, Western PA was the spawning ground for many famous quarterbacks. But only JOE MONTANA can can claim the Ringgold legacy. I will accept two free passes to Kennywood as my prize (!).
BTW, I went to Baldwin with Dave Wannstedt and his wife. Dave, now in his prodigalness, back at Pitt as head coach.
MarkH said on May 3, 2006 at 10:07 pm
About the prize, Dorothy, that’s just in case you change your mind…
Dorothy said on May 7, 2006 at 3:02 pm
The prize is none other than a crocheted bathtub!!
That’s a silly family joke that we use ad nauseum, sorry. Means you win absolutely nothing except my eternal admiration for coming up with the right answer.
Sorry this was delayed in posting, but I was in Cincinnati and Chicago and just got back. Pictures are posted at flickr for those who care (truvy57).
Actually Mark I’ll be at Kennywood in June the day after my niece gets married! Pictures will be posted then, too!