My ex-congressman is STILL a moron. He’s quoted reacting to last month’s story about the Department of Homeland Security’s potential-target list, a little late but nonetheless dim as ever: “This is all about money,�? said U.S. Rep. Mark Souder, R-3rd District, suggesting the New York Times’ July coverage of the alleged terror target list reflected a desire to secure more Homeland Security funds for large Eastern cities by “mocking the rest of America.�?
Yes, that was certainly its intent, don’t you think? Damn the New York Times for thinking New York should get more money for homeland security! There is surely no earthly reason to believe “large Eastern cities” should get more attention from the federal government than Amish popcorn factories in his district, is there?
brian stouder said on August 8, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Yes, he is a moron. I guess I’m too stupid to understand how anyone is “mocking the rest of America” in any of this.
But his “This is all about the money” thing definitely strikes me as the snorted sentiments of a near-sighted hog at the trough
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mary said on August 8, 2006 at 12:34 pm
You’re discounting the psychological devastation a terrorist take-out of an Amish Popcorn factoriy would have on the entire country. Sure it’s just a little popcorn factory, but it means so much more.
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Doug in Ft. Wayne said on August 8, 2006 at 2:38 pm
Actually, Souder’s comments about money are completely correct. The whole reason that the terror targets list was made was to decide who gets the security money. If the East Coast cities didn’t take the exercise seriously, that’s not Indiana’s problem. Indiana listened when the Feds suggested that food processing facilities are potential terrorist targets. Popcorn, whether Amish grown or not, is food. Think about it. An attack on the food chain in the US would be just as frightening as 9/11. Remember the panic years ago with the Tylenol tampering? As a result of the public’s reaction to that event, no one can open a Tylenol bottle or orange juice carton or jar of peanut butter in less than five minutes!
As for mocking by New Yorkers, find me one NYC resident who doesn’t believe that Manhattan is the center of the universe!
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nancy said on August 8, 2006 at 2:50 pm
You know why New Yorkers think that? Because, by and large, New York IS the center of the universe. It’s the global center of banking and finance, media and many other businesses that make it a prime target. It’s one of a handful of cities where, by hitting twin buildings in quick succession, they were able to guarantee the second strike would be broadcast live on national television. More to the point, it is one of two cities that was actually attacked by terrorists, whereas Indiana has a long history of pretending to be a target (the 7th-on-Hitler’s-list meme) and otherwise more important to the rest of the world than it is.
(If I were an al-Qaeda operative and wanted to pollute the food supply, I wouldn’t choose a snack food. Central Soya might be a target worth hitting, but not Amish popcorn.)
Actually, now that I think about it, there’s a funny screenplay in this: A bumbling Arab terrorist gets separated from his sleeper cell somehow, and believes his target is the Amish popcorn factory. Fortunately, the Amish popcorn factory is ready and waiting. Hilarity ensues.
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Danny said on August 8, 2006 at 3:18 pm
Actually, now that I think about it, there’s a funny screenplay in this: A bumbling Arab terrorist gets separated from his sleeper cell somehow, and believes his target is the Amish popcorn factory. Fortunately, the Amish popcorn factory is ready and waiting. Hilarity ensues.
That is the funniest thing you have ever written… at least in the last day or so.
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ellen t said on August 8, 2006 at 3:48 pm
Indiana? As if. Go anywhere in the world, and everyone you meet knows three places in America: New York, LA, and Orlando/Disney World. Terror isn’t strategic, in terms of taking out something of real value, so much as symbolic, because you scare a lot more people that way. A ton of homeland security money has been wasted on places and events your local tv station couldn’t find without mapquest and a press release, let alone Al-Qa’ida.
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Dorothy said on August 8, 2006 at 3:55 pm
I’d buy a ticket to that movie in a second if Nancy wrote it!
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nancy said on August 8, 2006 at 4:07 pm
Well, I’ll say this: I always wanted to write a chase scene with buggies.
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mary said on August 8, 2006 at 4:10 pm
Buggies and guys in long white robes chasing them. Beards everywhere. Clever uses of Amish hand tools as weapons. What would you call the movie?
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brian stouder said on August 8, 2006 at 4:12 pm
If it were made in the style of The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming! – it would work.
But it would have to have a good Jonathan Winters-type fellow in there…and maybe a good dose of hyped media faux-gravitas; Colbert/Stewart type reaction to whatever absurdity unfolds out at the popcorn plant
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ellen t said on August 8, 2006 at 4:28 pm
“Black Hat Heroes”
“Snakes on a Plain”
Title butt-kicking Amish hero role goes to Viggo Mortenson, as Samuel Lapp, the Amish guy with a dark past, something to do with time as secret agent during rumspringa
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nancy said on August 8, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Two sight gags: A bunch of unpopped kernels spill out on the floor and everybody slips and falls, and 2) at some point there’s an explosion of a grain elevator, and it rains popcorn for a while.
The terrorists would hide in plain sight, slipping into the Hispanic farmworker crews that are all over that area. In Wranglers and straw cowboy hats, no one notices them.
There’d have to be a long period where no one in the closest city believed the attack was happening; you’d have to have a plucky TV reporter from nearby Fort Wayne (in town to do a story on the upcoming Swiss Days festival) trying to get the live truck to work.
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nancy said on August 8, 2006 at 4:34 pm
Oh, and there’d have to be a scene where someone runs into the middle of town on a Saturday and yells, “Hey, Yoder!” and three-quarters of the people on the street turn around and say, “What?”
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Danny said on August 8, 2006 at 4:41 pm
And there must be a scene where the reluctant Amish hero explains to the terrorists that he is through with the milktoast act and aims to start misbehavin’. He then grabs a sharp farm tool and yells, “Witness this!” as he launches a viscious, bonzai-style attack.
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Danny said on August 8, 2006 at 4:47 pm
Possible Title: John Barleycorn Must Die
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Dorothy said on August 8, 2006 at 4:51 pm
Maybe a female terrorist has embedded herself into the local quilting bee, stitching new and mysterious block patterns to signal to the boys back home that it was time to pop the corn.
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brian stouder said on August 8, 2006 at 4:55 pm
Another sight gag might revolve around Amish good-guy Body Oder, and incorporate the line about being ‘for us, or against us’…..maybe that can be at the climax of the movie, when the scoundrals finally succumb (much as the martian invaders couldn’t breathe Earth’s air)
more possible titles –
Hellzapoppin’
Crash Berne
Mennonite Man
A Pop Cliff’s Cow (ok, so that one was a stretch)
Caleb Schwartz’s Day Off
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nancy said on August 8, 2006 at 5:21 pm
A friend of mine works for a Publishing Company Which Must Remain Nameless, and some years ago it came up with the great idea of sending a six-horse draft-horse hitch across the country, carrying the name of one of its magazines and stopping to meet subscribers along the way. The official version of the trip ran in the magazine, and the far funnier stories about what really happened are in her letters to me. That right there would make a movie in itself, but for purposes of our Amish Popcorn factory terror-strike story, one image stands out: The driver of the hitch (who was ex-Amish) demonstrating how he could ride, Ben-Hur style, standing on the backs of two of the horses. He could even gallop that way.
I really don’t see how that image can avoid being in the climax of this movie.
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Danny said on August 8, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Youz guyz are killing me! And Dorothy! Time to pop the corn? I am glad that I wasn’t drinking anything when I read that.
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bruce said on August 8, 2006 at 8:48 pm
Water is funny.I was at lunch at a tendy LA resturant today and the waiter carefully opened a very special glass bottle of water and poured it like a bottle of Opis Cab.
No botteled water for this boy- DWP without ice for me. It is really sick to watch this water show
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basset said on August 8, 2006 at 9:12 pm
clipclopclipclopclipclopclipclop
bang
clipclopclipclopclipclopclipclop
(Amish drive-by shooting…)
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alex said on August 8, 2006 at 10:31 pm
We’re leaving out the Amish congressman who doesn’t believe in evolution and practically advocates the flaying of anyone who attempts to have a normally devilish childhood.
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Garry said on August 8, 2006 at 10:34 pm
My ex-Congressman is worse than yours! Guaranteed!!!
Why?
Because mine was Rummy!
He was somehow elected from the 10th district in Illinois back in the 60’s.
A lot of Democrats even supported him!
But not my family.
A nice, quiet, somewhat Jewish district elected that loon.
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Doug in Ft. Wayne said on August 8, 2006 at 11:54 pm
Great movie ideas. Of course the Amish as terror targets is farfetched — but terror in the food chain (even the popcorn which would be served at the Amish movie) would cause greater nationwide panic than 9/11.
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brian stouder said on August 9, 2006 at 12:24 am
terror in the food chain (even the popcorn which would be served at the Amish movie) would cause greater nationwide panic than 9/11.
Seriously, I disagree.
A slow-motion problem like that – even assuming that it could somehow be made to be wide-spread and instantaneous (which is an enormous and unrealistic assumption), still wouldn’t compare to the 9/11 assaults, since we would have a fighting chance against it.
The 9/11 attacks, while they were happening, made all the air-traffic in the United States come to a ground stop. By mid-day, one had to wonder where things were going to end. And then going forward from that day was a tentative, wrenching process….and everyone knows that nihilistic attacks such as those could happen again, and Katrina taught us that our current government is in no way up to dealing with anything of that sort.
See, that’s the black humor underlying all this. I suppose Nance’s movie could as easily be a Dr Strangelove style Kubric comedy, instead of a light-hearted The Russians Are Coming farce
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danno said on August 9, 2006 at 9:00 am
I’m still laughing at all the amish vs. terrorist stuff!!!!!
Nance, sounds like you could collaborate with the guys at South Park for this one!!
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Rich B said on August 9, 2006 at 9:24 am
Any chance Scarlett Johanson could play a virgin in a suicide
bomber heaven dream sequence.
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jcburns said on August 9, 2006 at 10:01 am
My problem with the propogation of New York as center of the media universe is that it’s based on “well of course you can’t do serious thinking or writing about the world unless you’re in NYC.” That thinking (and the belief that people don’t watch news unless it’s delivered by big names) is what caused the migration of so much of CNN to Manhattan…and you can see the result. Ironically, their best work—their international coverage and feed—still comes out of Atlanta.
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Kirk said on August 9, 2006 at 10:05 am
i guess nancy grace is in manhattan, huh?
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brian stouder said on August 9, 2006 at 10:23 am
I understand the cultural bias in non-NY America against NY (I always root against the Yankees, for example) –
but in terms of nihilistic enemies who wish to make the largest splash possible – we can paraphrase the song –
start spreading the news, I’m leaving today; I want to blast away parts of it – New York, New York! If I can slaughter there, I can slaughter ANYwhere; too bad for you, New York, New York
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Dorothy said on August 9, 2006 at 10:31 am
Nancy Grace GAGS me.
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Kirk said on August 9, 2006 at 10:39 am
amen, dorothy. i watched her last night because one of our reporters was taking part in the show. she’s a bizarre character, just right for trash tv at its finest (followed, appropriately enough by glenn beck’s idiocy).
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Danny said on August 9, 2006 at 10:51 am
Any chance Scarlett Johanson could play a virgin in a suicide
bomber heaven dream sequence.
Last spring we saw a movie with her in it. My wife gave me a sidelong glance and said, “I bet you like her.” I shrugged non-comittally and said, “She’s al’ight.” What an understatement.
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Danny said on August 9, 2006 at 10:53 am
Kirk, this link takes a bit of time to read, but it is pretty funny and skewers Glenn Beck handily.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=911_morons
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Bob said on August 9, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Things keep gettin’ worse. For years I’ve had encounters with security while pursuing my hobby of photographing trains, railyards and stations.
Soon I can expect intimidation when I get caught taking pictures of tractors, combines, cornfields and grain elevators. Seriously, I do that, too.
I’ll be stopped on a country road taking photos of pastoral splendor, when billowing clouds of dust signal the approach of 4×4 pickups with light bars and gun racks. Quickly they surround me to block my escape, and men wearing John Deere hats order me to show my ID. They demand to know what I’m doing there, what my business is, and why I’m taking pictures.
Then, they require me to delete the photos while they watch, and warn me that a second offense will get me arrested and prosecuted.
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mary said on August 9, 2006 at 2:16 pm
Bob
I keep hearing stories like yours from people with hobbies related to trains or photography or aviation. These are very strange times. A friend who flies radio controlled model airplanes, and has for about 45 years, says there are regularly “observers” at the flying field taking photos of the old farts flying planes, and checking license plate numbers.
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Kirk said on August 9, 2006 at 3:54 pm
danny,
the beck thing is hilarious. thanks
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