Can’t stay away.

If you don’t watch “American Idol” you are excused from reading another word. I’ve simply given myself over to the cultural sluice on this one. Kate adores it, and so we watch. And I don’t mind — it’s entertaining in its own way, and if you don’t ask too much of it or yourself, it’s a very enjoyable ride for the viewer. Plus, it’s one of the very rare shows that the whole family can watch together, which is a huge part of its appeal. Just when you think the whole world of entertainment has been sliced and diced into niches, sub-niches and sub-sub-niches, along comes something that’s the 21st-century equivalent of “The Wonderful World of Disney,” only with Simon Cowell. That’s an improvement.

With all that’s written on the subject, I didn’t think there was much more to be said, but Virginia Heffernan manages to find a few more things to say, many of them amusing:

Mr. Cowell, the pitiless judge who still brings to the show the spirit of its British progenitor “Pop Idol,” seemed baffled by the piety Americans brought to the task of singing. Insisting that he wanted nothing but a vanilla hottie to showcase the Pygmalion talents of a guileful music packager, he still couldn’t stop them from singing their hearts out and thanking their moms and God.

To his credit, he eventually let himself be blown away. And he dropped Posh Spice as his paradigm of a musician, settling for Aretha Franklin and Ray Charles. (Mr. Cowell, we shouldn’t forget, used to package puppets, cartoon characters and wrestlers as pop stars; he is new to virtuosity.) He and his compatriots had apparently never tangled with contestants like Kelly Clarkson, who’d grown up singing country, or Ruben Studdard, who’d grown up singing gospel. As for the contestants in those early seasons, their sincerity never dropped.

And on everybody’s favorite barfly:

The most recent seemingly insuperable problems at “Idol” have not come at the hands of the stern father figure, Mr. Cowell, but from Ms. Abdul, his gentler counterpart. Known at the outset for her busty tops and sweet cheerleading — her “mom I’d like to sleep with” vibe — she has lately become a different kind of mother. Dazed, delirious, sulky, petulant, lascivious: she often looks tired and confused, running some words together and inventing others.

Two years ago, a contestant named Corey Clark said Ms. Abdul had courted him and then done him professional favors. ABC deemed the charges exciting enough to devote an ominous and moderately persuasive episode of “20/20” to them, which did double duty as a hit job for the network’s entertainment division.

No specifics seemed to stick to Ms. Abdul, who Fox maintained had done nothing wrong, but the aura of loucheness is almost palpable. Gone is the perky soccer mom with the ’80s dance moves. She now regularly wears the pliant smile, smeared makeup and bedroom eyes of a woman who’s about to pass out.

See, that’s what I mean about entertaining: Kate can appreciate the wholesomeness of the boy singers; Alan, our family’s only real musician, can groove on the finer points of the performances; and I, the sicko culture vulture, can wait for Paula to pass out.

I noticed, last week, the talent gulf in the women was embarrassing. Six skinny white girls who can’t project to the back rows of a powder room up against three or four ladies of color who blow the roof off the dump. Every girl wants to be told she’s beautiful, but is there any compliment more deflating than hearing Simon say, “At least you’re pretty”?

Last week the men sucked eggs, but they improved this week. I voted for the Hispanic kid who took on Nina Simon’s “Feeling Good.” Brave boy.

Now, I take my leave. I have to generate story ideas today, which requires two things: A hot shower and a little light exercise to oxygenate the brain. Please, post no Antonella Barba pix in the comments; we run a clean shop here.

Posted at 10:16 am in Television |

5 responses to “Can’t stay away.”

  1. LA mary said on February 28, 2007 at 1:52 pm

    OK, I’ll jump in. The guys and the white girls both sucked last week. The one who sang Brass in Pocket was particularly horrible, and the one from PA, Tranquillio or something? The worst version of a white girl trying to sound black, or in Randy’s words, “urban,” I’ve heard in a long time. They guy who sang “Let’s Get It On,” was just off enough to be a little painful, and Sanjay gets younger and a little more uncomfortable every week.

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  2. LA mary said on February 28, 2007 at 7:29 pm

    Is it something I said?

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  3. nancy said on February 28, 2007 at 7:36 pm

    No, not at all. Sanjaya is toast, I think, and maybe Marvin Manqué. I’m in full agreement on Brass in Pocket Girl, and I’m wondering how Antonella will do, considering the events of the week.

    But even Kate is starting to notice Paula’s weirdness. “What’s with her HAIR?” she said the other night. I didn’t have the heart to tell her Paula had likely been sleeping on it until seconds before airtime.

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  4. LA mary said on February 28, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    Aside from being either weird or drunk or something, Paula’s credentials as a vocalist are awfully iffy. The impression I always had of her was that she coached Janet Jackson, slept with one of the Jackson bros, and they gave her a vocal career in return.

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  5. Danny said on February 28, 2007 at 8:04 pm

    Oh, Mary. You’re a cold-hearted snake.

    I remember seeing an interview where Charlie Sheen was giving little bro Emilio a load o’ crap for being married to her (at the time). I think he asked if Emilio had all of her records. Pretty funny.

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