The first time I flew on a plane I was 10 years old. We — my mother and sister and I — were going to the Bahamas on vacation, and my mother insisted I wear a dress. My sister wore a dress, too.
I wasn’t one of those people who flew often, and still am not. But at some point it all changed, and…
Oh, why spin it out? You all know what I’m going to talk about: Steven Slater, the awesomest flight attendant EVAHR. Faced with a jerkoff customer, he responded in kind, but with real style, cursing the jerkoff and announcing his resignation via the plane’s PA system, stopping to grab a beer from the beverage cart and then deploying the inflatable escape slide. Exit stage left! Zoom.
The following prediction hardly counts as going out on a limb, but still: I predict Slater will be the new Chesley Sullenberger. If Sully was the hero of the cockpit, Slater is the hero of the rest of the plane, filled with cranky passengers and the flight attendants who are charged with keeping them in line, at a salary right around that of a school janitor. And we’ve all know the jerkoff who finally pushed him to the breaking point — the guy who has to get up as soon as the wheels hit the runway, who has to be the guy standing in the aisle during the long taxi to the gate, who cannot take a simple request from another without dropping the F-bomb. His bag was heavy enough that when he pulled it down from the overhead, it hit Slater on the head. I know that jerkoff. (I sat behind him on the way to San Francisco a couple years back.) His bag has the weight and density of a thousand-year oak because he’d rather cut off his arm than check a bag, because he’s so important he has to be the first one off the plane, barking into his phone all the while.
As you can see, I’m on Team Slater.
“To the f—–g a–hole who told me to f–k off, it’s been a good 28 years,” Slater, 38, purred, cops said. “I’ve had it. That’s it,” he added, a passenger said.
The News also saw fit to add that when the guy was arrested, he was already in bed “with a boyfriend.” Well, hell yes he was! This is a man who knows what he wants! Carpe some diem, mofos: Sugar, I’m home from Pittsburgh. Show me how much you missed me.
They’re charging Slater with the usual wilted bouquet of charges — criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, whatever. He’ll get a fine and community service, and some rich person will pay the fine, preferably one who will then hire Slater to work on his private jet. David Geffen, maybe, or Barry Diller.
In the meantime, I hope we’ll see him on “The Daily Show” very soon.
A few years ago, the Wall Street Journal did a piece of harrowing, heroic journalism, a tick-tock on what it was like inside a plane stranded for hours on the tarmac at Detroit Metro during an endless weather delay. I don’t use the word “harrowing” lightly, either — the description of the rising tension, heightened by the slowly fouling air and mutinous mood, was like feeling a constricting snake slowly swallow your leg. At one point there was serious discussion among the trapped passengers of deploying the exit slide and making a break for it, and frankly, I’m astonished none did so. I imagine the next time it happens, someone will. Steven Slater has shown it can be done.
I’ve never quit a job in such dramatic fashion. I go the boring, old-fashioned way — with a terse letter and two weeks’ notice. One of these days, I’ll hire a band to walk into my boss’ office and sing “Take This Job and Shove It.” But not yet. (For one thing, I’m now my own boss. It would be sort of weird.)
Other bloggage? A little:
Last night I stopped behind a pickup with two homemade signs in the back window — one a quote from Abraham Lincoln I didn’t recognize, something about the sin of doing nothing in the face of great evil, another from the Bible, ditto on not recognizing it, ditto the sentiment. “Look, a dickhead teabagger,” I said to Kate. “But you can’t say ‘dickhead.’ I just hate these guys.” Oh, well. All parents fail from time to time. But when you’re provoked like this, profanity is the only logical response. Escape slide!
Pictures of the Russian wildfires. Amazing.
OK, need to relax. Time for Daily Bunny.
And now to work.