I was in Chicago summer before last, and Jeff Borden and I went to the club where Shadow Show was playing. At some point in the evening, he handed me a shot of some amber liquor and told me to go ahead, drink it.
I don’t worry that Borden will slip me a Pete Hegseth mickey, and I wasn’t even tipsy from the beer I’d been nursing, so I did, downing it in one go. My eyes bugged out of my head, my throat screamed for mercy and my brain started flashing neon ABORT signs.
“What,” I gasped, “was that?”
“Malört,” he said. “Otherwise known as the Chicago hello.”
I’m not super-big on liquor history, but I’d never heard of this stuff. Borden said it was made with wormwood, a word I recall mostly from Shakespeare. What is wormwood, anyway? All I can tell you is, don’t drink it.
But now, Malört is catching on, or so says the New York Times:
Malört is, in one word, unforgiving. Made from neutral spirits, wormwood and sugar, it tastes a little like sucking dandelion juice through a straw made of car tires. It is also kind of good. Intensely bitter, it’s herbaceous and a touch citrusy, as if you were to bite a grapefruit like an apple.
It is also, in five words, the unofficial liquor of Chicago.
Carl Jeppson, a Swedish immigrant to the city, peddled Jeppson’s Malört as a digestif as early as the 1930s. “It was the only liquor to survive Prohibition because no one believed that a human being would drink that on purpose, and that it had to be medicinal,” said J.W. Basilo, the manager of the Promontory and a bartender in Chicago for more than 20 years.
Intensely local to the Windy City, Malört “became the designated initiation shot, something you downed to prove your Midwest mettle — a difficult drink for a difficult place to live,” the story goes on.
Hence the Chicago hello. I noticed that the next day on Shadow Show’s Instagram stories, they posted a photo of all of them taking their Malört punishment. Kate noted something to the effect that Chicagoans have some strange ideas about what’s drinkable.
Now, though — and this is the point of the NYT story — Malört is spreading beyond Chicago, probably because hipsters cannot stand not being in on a single city’s digestif secret. There’s even a Malört-centric bar now, in New Orleans. That city has its own signature cocktail, the Sazerac, but it also has to serve lots of thirsty tourists who want to be tipsy, but don’t necessarily want to be served the usual watered-down Hurricane in a go-cup. Novelty is the soul of capitalism.
I guess what I’m saying is, if someone offers you this particular digestif after the Thanksgiving turkey, think twice before you say sure, love to.
And now another tough week comes to an end. I can’t stop thinking about Pete Hegseth raping that woman (allegedly, yes), his dog tags swinging over her face before he ejaculated on her stomach. A rapist nominates a rapist, of course.
Next week is Thanksgiving. I’m going to have to dig for something to be thankful for, but not really. There’s always something, if you have food, shelter and family love. It’s just how long that could last, know what I mean?
See you then, at least for a little while.
Heather said on November 21, 2024 at 4:55 pm
I was in Savannah several years ago having dinner by myself at the bar at a restaurant and when the bartender heard I was from Chicago, he offered me some Malort. My response: “Why the hell would I want that?”
I actually tried some homemade Malort a while ago and I was worried it would make me go blind.
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Deborah said on November 21, 2024 at 5:05 pm
In a weird way I would like to try Malort (I have no idea how to make the umlaut over the o), I like bitter drinks like Aquavit and Grappa, sounds like it’s way beyond those though. I won’t buy a bottle of it just to taste it, not sure I want to try a shot of it at a bar either. The Sazerac is one of my favorite cocktails, although I’m into the Aviation cocktail now, made with Creme de Violette and gin along with some other stuff.
I’m sure whoever Trump picks next for AG will be horrible, but it’s hard for me to imagine anyone worse than Gaetz.
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susan said on November 21, 2024 at 5:42 pm
Deborah, Here’s what Elie Mystal says about Gaetz (hint: it will be worse than Gaetz)
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brian stouder said on November 21, 2024 at 5:45 pm
Diet Pepsi, on the rocks, for me. Used to prefer Diet Coke, back in the day. Way long time ago, when I drank ‘regular’ pop, Mointain Dew was ‘it’.
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alex said on November 21, 2024 at 5:52 pm
How could I have lived in Chicago for 20 years and never had a snort of Malört?
I thought mezcal was supposed to be the hip new drink but I’ve yet to try that either.
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Jakash said on November 21, 2024 at 6:15 pm
To me, the key words in this post are “unofficial” in the NYT piece, and “hipsters” in Nancy’s post.
Some folks around here (Chicago) love to complain that deep dish pizza is not the “real” Chicago pizza, that it’s for the tourists. That the locals prefer tavern-style, thin-crust, square-cut pizza. While there is a lot of good pizza of both varieties to be found, many Chicagoans do like their deep dish, and if it were just for the tourists, there’d be a lot fewer neighborhood outposts profitably selling it.
I mention that, because Malort is, in fact, something that most regular Chicagoans care nothing about. It’s a hipster fad that’s gotten out of control, not that there’s anything wrong with that! Yes, it does have a history, but somehow decades went by with few paying any attention. Rightfully so, IMHO.
I tried it once, having been offered a free shot by a bartender and wondering what the fuss was about. I’ll not try it again, partly because it sucks, plain and simple, but mostly because there are many, many other things to drink that are much better, if one is inclined to down a shot. I don’t need to convince myself that I’m a real Chicagoan by drinking it, nor would I subject a visitor to it, unless it was their wish to try the concoction.
I don’t know how long it’s been since you left Chicago, alex, but I’d imagine the Malort trend had not really taken off at the time that you lived here.
But what I really intended to post was a shout-out to ROGirl for her comment earlier this afternoon that Gaetz “can go back to his old job playing Butthead.” Which recalled for me a top-notch meme from a few years ago, featuring Gym Jordan as Beavis. Remarkable resemblances, really: https://www.facebook.com/knowyourmeme/posts/their-faces-say-beavis-and-butt-head-but-according-to-some-on-twitter-matt-gaetz/10157718117683737/
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Deborah said on November 21, 2024 at 6:38 pm
Beavis and Butthead, Jordon and Gaetz for sure. Lol.
I read on Bluesky someone said think of a 17 year old you know and think about what Gaetz did and I am even more horrified. My husband’s granddaughter is 17, she had a birthday the end of October. Thinking about that, thinking of Gaetz violating a teenagers like that is abhorrent, way beyond abhorrent it’s about the vilest thing there is.
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Icarus said on November 21, 2024 at 6:43 pm
Malört is poor man’s absinthe. I had never heard of it until relatively recently and I am a native Chicagoan. Absinthe got a bad rap for some reason but it is relatively tasty. Malört not so much.
No ketchup on a hotdog started because the Chicago Style dog had tomatoes and other ingredients so you don’t need ketchup. But it morphed into no ketcup on any hot dog.
I can assure you, most hot dog stands don’t give a rat’s ass what you put on your dog once you pay for it.
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Brandon said on November 21, 2024 at 7:00 pm
The Midwestern beverage I’d like to try but never have is Faygo.
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Suzanne said on November 21, 2024 at 7:16 pm
My husband and I lived in a Chicago suburb for about 5 years in the mid-80s and I never heard of malört. We knew some people there who, well, like their alcohol but it was never offered or mentioned. A friend of mine’s father gave me a shot of Aquavit back when I was much younger and me having no clue what it was, tossed it back. Yikes! I think my throat burned the rest of the day!
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Jeff Borden said on November 21, 2024 at 7:19 pm
Nancy and I were at the Empty Bottle, a smallish rock ‘n’ roll bar on Western Avenue in Ukrainian Village, to see Shadow Show, who put on one kickass performance that night.They really are very entertaining. The Empty Bottle is a young person’s bar and, thus, lacks even a bar stool. So, we stood in the dark for a few hours to enjoy Kate and her bandmates.
I felt it was imperative I introduce my beloved old friend and neighbor to the “Chicago handshake,” a shot of Malort and an Old Style chaser. I am proud to relate that she downed both and smiled.
I’m an adventurous eater and drinker. Malort is an acquired taste. It’s not for everyone. But it’s not like you’re drinking napalm or sewer water. You need to be in the right mood. Winter is a good time to take a snort of Malort. As I used to say to my nephews when they balked at a new food, at least try it! It’s an experience.
If you gag and say, “Never again,” I’ll understand.
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Deborah said on November 21, 2024 at 7:36 pm
So it’s Pam Bondi. Totally predictable. Is she as bad as Gaetz? No, that would be hard to be. Will she be as destructive as Gaetz would have been?Probably not. Will she be a pushover? Probably. Will she be incompetent? Probably, thankfully.
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tajalli said on November 21, 2024 at 7:43 pm
Malort is made with wormwood (Artemisia sp.), a major ingredient in herbal de-worming preparations. A miracle it wasn’t recommended as a covid cure.
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David C said on November 21, 2024 at 7:46 pm
I never found Faygo to be all that exceptional. Same with Vernor’s. I guess they’re both Michigan things that I never developed a taste for when I was there.
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Little Bird said on November 21, 2024 at 8:44 pm
I’ve had Malört. It tastes like how I imagine gasoline would taste. I was given the shot because I was visiting the old bar where I used to work in Chicago. The woman I worked with was shocked to hear that I had never tried it. It was on the house, because charging me for it would have added insult to injury. I can’t imagine what helpful qualities it might have, so I really don’t recommend purchasing a bottle.
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Bitter Scribe said on November 21, 2024 at 9:37 pm
Malort sounds like it belongs in the Museum of Inexplicably Popular Things from Chicago, along with Chicago-style hot dogs, buildings by Frank Lloyd Wright, 16-inch softball, Oprah Winfrey and Harry Caray.
(And no, I’m not including Chicago-style pizza, and I’m not getting into that whole stupid debate. Just eat whatever kind of pizza you like and shut up about it.)
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SusanG said on November 21, 2024 at 9:53 pm
How am I coping?
Cooking, cooking, cooking.
I’m making carmelized cippolini onions; glazed carrots and apples; roasted potatoes in duck fat; mushroom and celery salad.
That’s just Thanksgiving. God knows what’s for Christmas or New Years.
Definitely not Malört.
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Brandon said on November 21, 2024 at 10:22 pm
Another wormwood-based beverage was touted as a COVID-19 cure, but not in the United States.
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Dave said on November 21, 2024 at 11:12 pm
Deborah, she’s a Trumper all the way, she sued to overturn the ACA when she was Florida AG, she backed T**** in his overturn the election foolishness, and she’ll probably do whatever he wants. I suspect she is another disgusting choice.
Vernor’s, we like Vernor’s ginger ale.
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Sherri said on November 21, 2024 at 11:33 pm
Yay, our power was restored this evening! Just short of a 48 hour power outage, but the gas fireplace I put in after the 2006 four day outage kept us cozy and warm.
We became aware how dependent we are on the internet, though, because we didn’t have much cell connectivity. Evidently the cell companies aren’t bothering to put backup power on all their towers, so when there’s a widespread outage, the few towers with power are quickly overwhelmed. We have ATT, and even receiving phone calls and text messages was iffy. I used the dual sim capability of my phone to add a free trial run of Verizon, and it was a little better, but not great.
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