I was in Chicago summer before last, and Jeff Borden and I went to the club where Shadow Show was playing. At some point in the evening, he handed me a shot of some amber liquor and told me to go ahead, drink it.
I don’t worry that Borden will slip me a Pete Hegseth mickey, and I wasn’t even tipsy from the beer I’d been nursing, so I did, downing it in one go. My eyes bugged out of my head, my throat screamed for mercy and my brain started flashing neon ABORT signs.
“What,” I gasped, “was that?”
“Malört,” he said. “Otherwise known as the Chicago hello.”
I’m not super-big on liquor history, but I’d never heard of this stuff. Borden said it was made with wormwood, a word I recall mostly from Shakespeare. What is wormwood, anyway? All I can tell you is, don’t drink it.
But now, Malört is catching on, or so says the New York Times:
Malört is, in one word, unforgiving. Made from neutral spirits, wormwood and sugar, it tastes a little like sucking dandelion juice through a straw made of car tires. It is also kind of good. Intensely bitter, it’s herbaceous and a touch citrusy, as if you were to bite a grapefruit like an apple.
It is also, in five words, the unofficial liquor of Chicago.
Carl Jeppson, a Swedish immigrant to the city, peddled Jeppson’s Malört as a digestif as early as the 1930s. “It was the only liquor to survive Prohibition because no one believed that a human being would drink that on purpose, and that it had to be medicinal,” said J.W. Basilo, the manager of the Promontory and a bartender in Chicago for more than 20 years.
Intensely local to the Windy City, Malört “became the designated initiation shot, something you downed to prove your Midwest mettle — a difficult drink for a difficult place to live,” the story goes on.
Hence the Chicago hello. I noticed that the next day on Shadow Show’s Instagram stories, they posted a photo of all of them taking their Malört punishment. Kate noted something to the effect that Chicagoans have some strange ideas about what’s drinkable.
Now, though — and this is the point of the NYT story — Malört is spreading beyond Chicago, probably because hipsters cannot stand not being in on a single city’s digestif secret. There’s even a Malört-centric bar now, in New Orleans. That city has its own signature cocktail, the Sazerac, but it also has to serve lots of thirsty tourists who want to be tipsy, but don’t necessarily want to be served the usual watered-down Hurricane in a go-cup. Novelty is the soul of capitalism.
I guess what I’m saying is, if someone offers you this particular digestif after the Thanksgiving turkey, think twice before you say sure, love to.
And now another tough week comes to an end. I can’t stop thinking about Pete Hegseth raping that woman (allegedly, yes), his dog tags swinging over her face before he ejaculated on her stomach. A rapist nominates a rapist, of course.
Next week is Thanksgiving. I’m going to have to dig for something to be thankful for, but not really. There’s always something, if you have food, shelter and family love. It’s just how long that could last, know what I mean?
See you then, at least for a little while.
Heather said on November 21, 2024 at 4:55 pm
I was in Savannah several years ago having dinner by myself at the bar at a restaurant and when the bartender heard I was from Chicago, he offered me some Malort. My response: “Why the hell would I want that?”
I actually tried some homemade Malort a while ago and I was worried it would make me go blind.
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Deborah said on November 21, 2024 at 5:05 pm
In a weird way I would like to try Malort (I have no idea how to make the umlaut over the o), I like bitter drinks like Aquavit and Grappa, sounds like it’s way beyond those though. I won’t buy a bottle of it just to taste it, not sure I want to try a shot of it at a bar either. The Sazerac is one of my favorite cocktails, although I’m into the Aviation cocktail now, made with Creme de Violette and gin along with some other stuff.
I’m sure whoever Trump picks next for AG will be horrible, but it’s hard for me to imagine anyone worse than Gaetz.
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susan said on November 21, 2024 at 5:42 pm
Deborah, Here’s what Elie Mystal says about Gaetz (hint: it will be worse than Gaetz)
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brian stouder said on November 21, 2024 at 5:45 pm
Diet Pepsi, on the rocks, for me. Used to prefer Diet Coke, back in the day. Way long time ago, when I drank ‘regular’ pop, Mointain Dew was ‘it’.
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alex said on November 21, 2024 at 5:52 pm
How could I have lived in Chicago for 20 years and never had a snort of Malört?
I thought mezcal was supposed to be the hip new drink but I’ve yet to try that either.
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Jakash said on November 21, 2024 at 6:15 pm
To me, the key words in this post are “unofficial” in the NYT piece, and “hipsters” in Nancy’s post.
Some folks around here (Chicago) love to complain that deep dish pizza is not the “real” Chicago pizza, that it’s for the tourists. That the locals prefer tavern-style, thin-crust, square-cut pizza. While there is a lot of good pizza of both varieties to be found, many Chicagoans do like their deep dish, and if it were just for the tourists, there’d be a lot fewer neighborhood outposts profitably selling it.
I mention that, because Malort is, in fact, something that most regular Chicagoans care nothing about. It’s a hipster fad that’s gotten out of control, not that there’s anything wrong with that! Yes, it does have a history, but somehow decades went by with few paying any attention. Rightfully so, IMHO.
I tried it once, having been offered a free shot by a bartender and wondering what the fuss was about. I’ll not try it again, partly because it sucks, plain and simple, but mostly because there are many, many other things to drink that are much better, if one is inclined to down a shot. I don’t need to convince myself that I’m a real Chicagoan by drinking it, nor would I subject a visitor to it, unless it was their wish to try the concoction.
I don’t know how long it’s been since you left Chicago, alex, but I’d imagine the Malort trend had not really taken off at the time that you lived here.
But what I really intended to post was a shout-out to ROGirl for her comment earlier this afternoon that Gaetz “can go back to his old job playing Butthead.” Which recalled for me a top-notch meme from a few years ago, featuring Gym Jordan as Beavis. Remarkable resemblances, really: https://www.facebook.com/knowyourmeme/posts/their-faces-say-beavis-and-butt-head-but-according-to-some-on-twitter-matt-gaetz/10157718117683737/
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Deborah said on November 21, 2024 at 6:38 pm
Beavis and Butthead, Jordon and Gaetz for sure. Lol.
I read on Bluesky someone said think of a 17 year old you know and think about what Gaetz did and I am even more horrified. My husband’s granddaughter is 17, she had a birthday the end of October. Thinking about that, thinking of Gaetz violating a teenagers like that is abhorrent, way beyond abhorrent it’s about the vilest thing there is.
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Icarus said on November 21, 2024 at 6:43 pm
Malört is poor man’s absinthe. I had never heard of it until relatively recently and I am a native Chicagoan. Absinthe got a bad rap for some reason but it is relatively tasty. Malört not so much.
No ketchup on a hotdog started because the Chicago Style dog had tomatoes and other ingredients so you don’t need ketchup. But it morphed into no ketcup on any hot dog.
I can assure you, most hot dog stands don’t give a rat’s ass what you put on your dog once you pay for it.
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Brandon said on November 21, 2024 at 7:00 pm
The Midwestern beverage I’d like to try but never have is Faygo.
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Suzanne said on November 21, 2024 at 7:16 pm
My husband and I lived in a Chicago suburb for about 5 years in the mid-80s and I never heard of malört. We knew some people there who, well, like their alcohol but it was never offered or mentioned. A friend of mine’s father gave me a shot of Aquavit back when I was much younger and me having no clue what it was, tossed it back. Yikes! I think my throat burned the rest of the day!
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Jeff Borden said on November 21, 2024 at 7:19 pm
Nancy and I were at the Empty Bottle, a smallish rock ‘n’ roll bar on Western Avenue in Ukrainian Village, to see Shadow Show, who put on one kickass performance that night.They really are very entertaining. The Empty Bottle is a young person’s bar and, thus, lacks even a bar stool. So, we stood in the dark for a few hours to enjoy Kate and her bandmates.
I felt it was imperative I introduce my beloved old friend and neighbor to the “Chicago handshake,” a shot of Malort and an Old Style chaser. I am proud to relate that she downed both and smiled.
I’m an adventurous eater and drinker. Malort is an acquired taste. It’s not for everyone. But it’s not like you’re drinking napalm or sewer water. You need to be in the right mood. Winter is a good time to take a snort of Malort. As I used to say to my nephews when they balked at a new food, at least try it! It’s an experience.
If you gag and say, “Never again,” I’ll understand.
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Deborah said on November 21, 2024 at 7:36 pm
So it’s Pam Bondi. Totally predictable. Is she as bad as Gaetz? No, that would be hard to be. Will she be as destructive as Gaetz would have been?Probably not. Will she be a pushover? Probably. Will she be incompetent? Probably, thankfully.
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tajalli said on November 21, 2024 at 7:43 pm
Malort is made with wormwood (Artemisia sp.), a major ingredient in herbal de-worming preparations. A miracle it wasn’t recommended as a covid cure.
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David C said on November 21, 2024 at 7:46 pm
I never found Faygo to be all that exceptional. Same with Vernor’s. I guess they’re both Michigan things that I never developed a taste for when I was there.
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Little Bird said on November 21, 2024 at 8:44 pm
I’ve had Malört. It tastes like how I imagine gasoline would taste. I was given the shot because I was visiting the old bar where I used to work in Chicago. The woman I worked with was shocked to hear that I had never tried it. It was on the house, because charging me for it would have added insult to injury. I can’t imagine what helpful qualities it might have, so I really don’t recommend purchasing a bottle.
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Bitter Scribe said on November 21, 2024 at 9:37 pm
Malort sounds like it belongs in the Museum of Inexplicably Popular Things from Chicago, along with Chicago-style hot dogs, buildings by Frank Lloyd Wright, 16-inch softball, Oprah Winfrey and Harry Caray.
(And no, I’m not including Chicago-style pizza, and I’m not getting into that whole stupid debate. Just eat whatever kind of pizza you like and shut up about it.)
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SusanG said on November 21, 2024 at 9:53 pm
How am I coping?
Cooking, cooking, cooking.
I’m making carmelized cippolini onions; glazed carrots and apples; roasted potatoes in duck fat; mushroom and celery salad.
That’s just Thanksgiving. God knows what’s for Christmas or New Years.
Definitely not Malört.
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Brandon said on November 21, 2024 at 10:22 pm
Another wormwood-based beverage was touted as a COVID-19 cure, but not in the United States.
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Dave said on November 21, 2024 at 11:12 pm
Deborah, she’s a Trumper all the way, she sued to overturn the ACA when she was Florida AG, she backed T**** in his overturn the election foolishness, and she’ll probably do whatever he wants. I suspect she is another disgusting choice.
Vernor’s, we like Vernor’s ginger ale.
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Sherri said on November 21, 2024 at 11:33 pm
Yay, our power was restored this evening! Just short of a 48 hour power outage, but the gas fireplace I put in after the 2006 four day outage kept us cozy and warm.
We became aware how dependent we are on the internet, though, because we didn’t have much cell connectivity. Evidently the cell companies aren’t bothering to put backup power on all their towers, so when there’s a widespread outage, the few towers with power are quickly overwhelmed. We have ATT, and even receiving phone calls and text messages was iffy. I used the dual sim capability of my phone to add a free trial run of Verizon, and it was a little better, but not great.
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Jeff Gill said on November 22, 2024 at 7:42 am
Slivovitz is something I’ve thought of as the Region’s (aka northwest Indiana) drink, though it’s certainly not ours, just part of steel mill heritage out of central Europe. But having dated a girl from Greece through high school, I’ve had just enough ouzo and retsina to know better. Never could get an appreciation of ouzo, and the custom I saw was to pour a dash of water into it, which turned it an odd milky color in the shot glass.
For reasons that would take too long to explain, I’ve ended up doing a few Azeri Armenian funerals, and after the graveside, but before the casket is lowered, a guy in a black leather jacket (well, that’s 90% of the men) will pull out a bottle of vodka and a stack of shot glasses, and pour a shot for everyone. You do NOT clink, you touch with the finger on the glass — the clink of glass on glass apparently is disturbing to the deceased — and then (overriding the clink ban, I’d think) you throw the shot glass into the grave. Then a jar of small pickles goes around, the casket is lowered, and everyone throws at least a handful or shovelful of dirt on before they leave.
Let’s just say American funeral home staff are not entirely sure what to make of it, but I’ve had to inform them sometimes “look, I know you normally lower the casket after everyone goes, I get it, but if you don’t get moving on it, none of these guys are leaving until they throw dirt in the grave atop their friend.” It’s amazing how hard it is sometimes to get them to lower the casket with the whole crowd there.
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Bob (not Greene) said on November 22, 2024 at 9:52 am
While I can only lay claim to actually living in the city of Chicago for about two years (immediately after I was born at Loretto Hospital on the West Side), I have lived within a mile or so of its borders for more of my 60+ years on this planet.
For about 40 of those years — which included college-years nighttime bar scene trips to Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, etc. — I’d never heard the word Malort much less knew anyone who’d drunk it.
I second the motion that it is a very much hipster driven, Wicker-Park-in- the-late-90s deal. It’s been passed down to their hipster heirs, who apparently have a fondness for self-harm. Why anyone would drink the stuff voluntarily is beyond me.
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nancy said on November 22, 2024 at 10:22 am
So it’s the Chicago handshake, not hello. I must have gotten it confused with “the Brentwood hello,” a phrase I learned during the O.J. Simpson trial.
And what is the Brentwood hello? A blowjob.
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alex said on November 22, 2024 at 11:20 am
One thing I’ve seen nowhere else but Chicago is “sport peppers,” a Chicago hot dog topping.
One of my regular local eateries serves a “Chicago Dog” but sans sport peppers. It’s big and comes on a poppy seed bun and is loaded with both a pickle spear and pickle relish, tomatoes, onions and mustard and is very difficult to eat without getting condiments all over yourself.
The argument about ketchup and hot dogs is a regional thing, just like whether chili should have any beans in it. My mom, who taught me cooking, told me that chili in the southwest was traditionally a meat stew, but in the midwest it was a concoction born in the Great Depression, when people were trying to stretch meals with staples like beans and canned tomatoes and ground beef. American “goulash” was another child of the Depression and bears little in common with authentic Hungarian goulash, which is also a meat stew and remarkably similar in many ways to southwest chili.
Both southwest chili and goulash were invented before there was refrigeration, so meat was cured using dried chili peppers and then eaten by being stewed in liquid. Another similarity between the peasantry in old Mexico and old Hungary is that they made their pottery out of cow turds.
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Deborah said on November 22, 2024 at 11:51 am
I have to admit as interested as I am in pottery design I had never heard of making pottery out of cow turds. A Google search turned up Merdacotta and that led me to this interesting link to an exhibit designer who designed a shit museum https://ar.ch.it/exhibitions/the-shit-evolution-fuorisalone-2016 Amazing what you can learn, something new everyday.
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Jakash said on November 22, 2024 at 12:40 pm
Since you didn’t mention the Old Style in the post, NN, I thought perhaps a “Chicago hello” was simply a shot by itself. I’m familiar with the Chicago handshake. And actually, Old Style is better than one might imagine, at least compared to other low-rent beers. Of course, it’s brewed in Wisconsin and always has been, but it has long been a favorite at Chicago taverns and Wrigley Field.
Still, a better, though definitely pricier, actual Chicago combo might consist of a shot of Koval Bourbon with an Anti-Hero or a Daisy Cutter. 🙂
That being said, Jeff B., I’ll readily concede that, if there’s a time and place to experience a Chicago handshake, during a daughter’s kickass rock show at The Empty Bottle would certainly qualify!
Gotta admit, when I saw the title of this post, the legendary “Brentwood hello” was the first thing I thought of…
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Jeff Borden said on November 22, 2024 at 12:57 pm
Three things I know about Pam Biondi:
1.) She was investigating the fraud of Trump University when, lo and behold, the Trump Foundation made a $25,000 to a PAC supporting her. The investigation was shut down.
2.) She was deeply involved in the namely-pamby treatment of pedophile and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.
3.) She was an election denier after tRump lost in 2020.
I can’t imagine her being any less awful than the odious Bill Barr. She will do tRump’s bidding. She didn’t snort ED medication and diddle underaged youngsters, but she’s not much of an upgrade over Rapey McForehead (hat tip to Jeff Tiedrich).
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Dexter Friend said on November 22, 2024 at 1:05 pm
I discovered this: absinthe.
The best way to drink absinthe is to dilute it with water by pouring it over a sugar cube. The traditional preparation is called an “absinthe ritual,” and you can try the “absinthe drip.” There’s also a safe way to flame absinthe and, to ease into its distinct taste, cocktail recipes to mix up. WIKIPEDIA~
This Malort passed my scrutiny apparently. Absinthe, I first heard about on the HBO “Carnivale” series 22 years ago. By now most of you know alcohol is verboten for me but reading about it is entertaining anyway.
Orban welcomes Netanyahu to Hungary in defiance of the ICC’s arrest warrant of the Israeli Prime Minister and war criminal. Other nations are all-in for arresting Netanyahu should he dare defy the arrest warrant. This at least cripples Netanyahu from globe-trotting to garner support for his genocide, meaning the murder of, so far, 44,000 Palestinians.
As I believed from the start, Gaetz was simply a sacrificial lamb to capture attention away from Hegseth and Oz and Kennedy. He apparently was grooming Bondi all along. Worst: Gabbard. How in the holy hell can this be happening? She is Putin’s hand-picked choice. Assad’s likely informant. It seems as Craig posted that Gaetz could assume his seat in the new Congress, as he was elected to such. Creepshow part deux, but…I just saw Gaetz says he is not going back to Washington.
This shit is unfurling like a bad comic book plot. But it’s real.
I dreamed last night that Josh Shapiro was President-elect and California’s 14 district Congressman Eric Swalwell was Vice President.
I woke up to firecrackers or gunfire at 4:00 AM to squelch the dream…it was simply the neighbor’s old Silverado pickup backfiring. I stayed up and brewed a Ceylon Black cuppa tea and turned on a Family Guy cartoon before flipping to the ever-present bad horrible news.
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Jakash said on November 22, 2024 at 2:05 pm
“This shit is unfurling like a bad comic book plot. But it’s real.” Indeed, Dexter.
I was thinking the other day how, if one ingested some magic mushrooms or some weird late-night meal and drank too much and spent the night experiencing vivid nightmares, one might wake up and think, “Wow, that was crazy” and be relieved that it was just a dream. But there’s no waking up from this ongoing shit-show, though the craziness exceeds that in many nightmares.
I never thought I’d look back on G.W. Bush being reelected in 2004, which I had thought was a low-point that wouldn’t be matched after Obama was elected, and think “Those were the days!” Having a felon, long-time criminal and Russian stooge picking Supreme Court justices and preparing to weaponize the justice department doesn’t seem like something the “original intent” folks could get behind, but cultists gonna cult.
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Sherri said on November 22, 2024 at 5:34 pm
When I said “we” have power, of course, many people still do not. Which includes my daughter. As happy as I am that my daughter does not live with me anymore, it is nice having her under our roof for a few days.
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tajalli said on November 22, 2024 at 5:54 pm
We’ve been experiencing the bottom edge of that bomb cyclone with extremely heavy rains and strong gusts. So, the Gaia Car Wash has spiffed up my car and I’ll give it a bucket of suds on Sunday when the rain resumes – use it for a nice rinse.
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Jeff Gill said on November 22, 2024 at 7:24 pm
Pam Bondi was also at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, helping Corey Lewandoski set up mics & the lectern. Not clear if she mopped Giuliani’s brow, but she was nearby.
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Deborah said on November 22, 2024 at 7:42 pm
I tried Malort this evening!!! We went to Frontera Grill and sat at our usual place at the bar for a margarita and some appetizers which we do about once a month or so. That’s our dinner when we go there early, as soon as they open. We’ve gotten to know the bartender over the years, he remembers us, asks if we want the usual and gets it right. Which is probably a schtick that bartenders do to make you feel welcome and will go back, which we do, so it works. I was scoping the shelves behind the bar for Malort, didn’t see it so I asked and he said that yes they had it but that I probably didn’t want any, then he reached behind some stuff and pulled out a bottle. When he asked if I really wanted to try it, I said sure a little tiny bit, so he poured a smidge out and I have to say to me it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting. He said it was Chicago’s version of Aquavit which I thought was fairly accurate but I like Aquavit better. I’m sure if you slug a shot it would be blinding but I’m a sipper so it wasn’t off putting. I sip straight booze, never shoot it, so maybe that’s why I can stomach it, I even like some of the bitterest stuff. The bartender is the guy with the Snidely Whiplash mustache, he’s been there for years, if you’ve ever been you’d remember him, the nicest guy.
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Jeff Borden said on November 22, 2024 at 7:47 pm
More music. More books. More movies. More art. Survive and laugh and mock the morons. AND…help those in the gunsights of the tRumpanzees in whatever way you can.
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Jeff Gill said on November 22, 2024 at 8:21 pm
I’ve only been there twice, but I know who you mean — he poured me an añejo tequila that almost turned me away from bourbon.
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Heather said on November 22, 2024 at 10:39 pm
I just read the NY Times article and I should have realized Pepp’s was the Malort bar in New Orleans. There’s a Polaroid of me there somewhere! Great bar, worth checking out even if you don’t want to drink the stuff.
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brian stouder said on November 23, 2024 at 2:53 pm
I’d take a large Diet Pepp’sC….on the rocks!
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Deborah said on November 23, 2024 at 3:49 pm
Can you just imagine how full of slithering snakes the Trump administration will be again? Back stabbing and climbing will be rampant as usual. Why would anyone want to subject themselves to that? Well, I take that back, power and money are a huge incentive. How many will get burned this time?
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Dexter Friend said on November 23, 2024 at 4:22 pm
Chicago hotdogs are great and I have eaten many of them at the Vienna stands over the years, always served with fries unless you specify none. They are easy to create at home and I used to do that too.
Frontera Grille was where I would take my wife when she was with me on my Chicago jaunts. Now, we only were there a few times, and always got there too late for the tapas. So I never have had them to this date. I always wanted to meet Rick Bayless but he was always in Mexico buying peppers . I think that may have been what the waiters just told the customers.
Well, the much-ballyhooed IU-OSU game was a bust. IU just kept fucking themselves via horrible special teams play. They likely just lost a berth in the 12 team playoff field. Their #5 rating is down the bog.
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tajalli said on November 23, 2024 at 4:23 pm
A giant game of Snakes and Ladders, except the stakes make the outcomes so disastrously real.
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ROGirl said on November 23, 2024 at 5:15 pm
I have a nasty sinus cold with a cough, and my entire body aches from the top of my head to my feet. Even my eyeballs hurt when I look up.
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David C said on November 24, 2024 at 7:23 am
I like the Chicago hot dog choice of dog, bun, mustard, and onions but I hate pickles or anything pickle related.
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alex said on November 24, 2024 at 9:47 am
I have just one memory of the Empty Bottle. I went with a friend to see the band OK Go. This was back in the early 2000s, before Uber and Lyft, and we found ourselves walking up Western Avenue through some sketchy neighborhoods after closing and no taxis with their lights on signaling availability. A cab slowly approached us with its lights off and the cabby rolled down the passenger side windows and checked us out. He said “I know this is illegal as hell, but you guys look okay. Where you going?” We told him East Lakeview. He told us to get in.
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Dexter Friend said on November 24, 2024 at 12:47 pm
A Chicago tale: 1981 saw Mayor Jane Byrne hosting a fabulous ChicagoFest at Navy Pier. Saturday night was a blast with Augsburger beer, Leon’s Ribs from a portable stand, and 3 music stages. One had one of the many renditions of “The Association”. The following day , I rented a bicycle and rode the lakefront pathway up north, turned back, and had a puncture. I had to push that bicycle a couple or more miles, and then I had to get to Union Station ASAP for Train 48. I trotted out to the street, no cabs in sight. A line of city buses were there, so I asked if a driver could call me a cab, this being way before cells. The driver said no, but “get in”. He busted ass through lights, ignoring red lights on clear intersections, stopped once to pick up some Great Lakes Navy trainees, and off to Union Station in record time…it was amazing. I ran like hell and was the last passenger to board my train. I later learned Mayor Jane had ordered the CTA to be used for free transport that weekend. Thanks to that edict, I made my train. I thanked my bus driver profusely.
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brian stouder said on November 24, 2024 at 8:33 pm
Dexter for Thread Win; A great story, indeed!
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Jeff Gill said on November 24, 2024 at 8:38 pm
Dexter, I had completely forgotten about Augsburger beer. Is that even made anymore? It was a feature of my high school & college years. If you could afford better than Old Style, it was Augsburger.
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