Maybe it’s because I’ve been walking down the leafy green pathways of Athens County’s own Memory Lane (see below), but I thought I’d point out Gene Weingarten’s column this week, in which he tries to track down the origin of the phrase “a condom stuffed with walnuts,” as used to describe the new California governor’s appearance.
So, you’re thinking, the connection? Oh, I dunno, I was just remembering this girl at OU, who was described as looking like “a sack of basketballs,” a phrase that precisely summed up her combination of ripeness and pudge, the same way “a condom stuffed with walnuts” captures Gov. Schwarzenegger’s musculature.
Mostly I’m just amused at how some people have a gift for this sort of thing:
Michigan State plant pathology professor Dennis Fulbright, for example, said that you would more closely approximate the topology of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s physique if you crammed a condom with “buart nuts.” A buart nut, Fulbright explained, is a cross between a butternut and a heart nut, almost the size of an apple, and very, very Schwarzenegger-like in its surface appearance. “It looks like a nut on testosterone,” he said.
Not so fast, said Tucker Hill, secretary of the Northern Nut Growers Association. “The problem with that one is that only we nut growers would know what you are talking about.” Plus, Hill said, a condom isn’t shaped quite right: You need something equally membranous but more Schwarzeneggerish in its dimensions. He thought a pig bladder would be better, stuffed with something gnarlier than walnuts and better known than buart nuts.
He suggested sawdust. Particularly if you wet it. “Wet sawdust is really lumpy,” he said, “and it’s not going to pack in smoothly; it’ll bulge here and bulge there.”
Sold. Arnold resembles “a pig bladder filled with wet sawdust.”