No manure on the floor mats!


I’m on record calling the Cadillac Escalade EXT “the world’s most baroque and preposterous vehicle.” Ah, well — I guess I was overheated. I’d like to retract that statement, and propose another model for the honor, the Lincoln Mark LT pickup truck, seen above.

Sorry for the crummy picture, shot at the mall today; here’s a photo gallery. Drink in the utter absurdity of this miracle that only Detroit could offer the world — a high-end luxury pickup truck. The first time I saw one on the freeways here — and here, Detroit, is the only place I’ve ever seen one — I nearly ran off the road. But lo, I had my digital camera with me! I attempted to take a photo at 60 miles per hour, forgetting to turn off the flash and getting instead a very bad picture of the inside of my windshield. (Not to mention the obvious inattention to driving. Guilty as charged.)

Since then the shock has worn off. I probably see one…not every day, certainly, but often enough. Maybe one or two a month? That’s about right.

After a year and a half, I’ve think I’ve gotten a handle on the auto industry’s cultural influence here. I’m accustomed to the lopsided domestic/import ratio you see on the roads. I know about the employee discounts that cement hometown loyalty, which some companies seem to extend to the furthest reaches of “family” — if your fifth cousin once removed works for a Big Three automaker, you qualify. (I exaggerate, yes.) I think I’ve even grasped the just-love-cars attitude that keeps Detroiters trading up every two years simply because man, it’s nice to have new metal in the driveway, isn’t it? My friend John showed me his OnStar system one day driving back from a shopping mall, and I was impressed. (“OnStar, can I help you?” “Yes, where am I?” “You’re on Big Beaver Road, just getting on I-75, southbound. What can I do to help?”)

But I don’t understand a Lincoln pickup. I just don’t. Even in Texas. Even the boots-and-tuxedos crowd would laugh at this thing, wouldn’t they?

I mean: Wouldn’t they?

Posted at 8:36 pm in Popculch |

9 responses to “No manure on the floor mats!”

  1. brian stouder said on August 6, 2006 at 10:27 pm

    When we were tooling down the road in suburban Columbus, we saw one of these –

    and it looked so ridiculous that we laughed out loud! I guess you could call it an SUV with a truck bed; or a pickup/minivan…

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  2. Bob said on August 7, 2006 at 4:57 am

    Wasn’t that Lincoln “pickup” discontinued fairly early because of poor sales, in the first or second year of production?

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  3. basset said on August 7, 2006 at 7:49 am

    An earlier model was, they called it the Blackwood… dunno why they’d want to try again with something so similar.

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  4. kayak woman said on August 7, 2006 at 9:57 am

    My claim to OnStar notoriety is that I was driving my brother-in-law’s Cadillac one time and accidentally called the OnStar emergency operator. I was struggling to figure out either the sound system or temperature controls at the time, I can’t even remember which. Embarrassed? You bet!

    Boy, do I agree about both the Escalade and that Lincoln pickup. I know of a 16-year-old who received a new Escalade as a driver’s license gift. I don’t know what on earth her parents were thinking.

    Anne, who drives a couple of little Hondas and an *ancient* Jeep Wrangler with holes in the doors and animal bones hanging from the rearview mirror. And kayaks on top.

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  5. brian stouder said on August 7, 2006 at 11:02 am

    but the last laugh regarding a luxury truck is that BP – which turned a QUARTERLY profit of about eleventy-seven bazillion dollars, sprung a leak! – and has to shut down 8 percent of the daily US oil production – which equals 2% of our daily usage – which means gasoline prices have to leap approximately 47% – which means that their quarterly profit should quintuple (approximately)…even if the hurricane fizzled and the big price spike related to THAT quickly deflated.

    I’m beginning to see the wisdom of nationalized oil ownership (if not of personal urban assault luxury vehicle ownership!)

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  6. Kath said on August 7, 2006 at 12:04 pm

    A candidate for the democratic nomination for Congress here in Minneapolis is trying to position himself as the environmental candidate. He recently announced that he is going to sell his Cadillac Escalade. He bought it because he and his wife have 2 children and “needed the room.” Those must be some enormous children.

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  7. mary said on August 7, 2006 at 1:10 pm

    I manage to get around with two leggy kids and two dogs in a Passat wagon belonging to signifcant other, or one kid/one dog in my VW beetle. I can get six bags of groceries in the beetle along with one kid and one dog, and the dog can’t reach the groceries to sample them. Why anyone needs a monster SUV unless they are working at some remote construction site is beyond my understanding.

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  8. Kevin Knuth said on August 7, 2006 at 4:13 pm

    Just an FYI- Onstar was developed in…..FORT WAYNE INDIANA!!!

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  9. alex said on August 7, 2006 at 6:16 pm

    I’m sure Onstar has its uses. “Earth to GM. Hey, can you build a new car that doesn’t fritz out and leave me stranded? Hello?”

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