Where’d my u-trou go?

So yesterday we — OK, I — were/was discussing the miracle of the modern internets, and ho ho, here it comes again.

Britney Spears, put on some damn panties!

I confess: I’m an occasional — OK, daily — reader of Wesmirch, the only gossip blog aggregator you’ll ever need. I don’t do it because I give a fig about such things, but because it’s so easy for a person like me, aging and working alone in the house all day in an unhip neighborhood, to wake up one day and feel entirely out of it. I still do, even with daily gossip intake. Half the faces in People magazine are strangers to me. Who the hell is Tara Reid? Have you ever heard a song by Babyshambles? Justin Timberlake, how’s your uncle Mark, with whom I went to school for a while? Is he still the Bambi-eyed, pudgy boy I remember? And which one of you is Justin, anyway?

The celebrities whose paparazzi-chronicled activities I used to pay attention to — Jack Nicholson, Sean Penn — all look like escapees from a nursing home and/or wino flop. If they go out after dark at all, I’m sure it’s only because they’re rich enough that they don’t need the early-bird special to make ends meet. But I’m sure they’re all snoring by 11 p.m., too.

Anyway, back to Britney. In the last week, a mere seven days, she’s become best friends forever with Paris Hilton and a messy old sot who goes out at night in short skirts, sans undies. Once you can forgive — every girl needs to throw down after a divorce filing — but twice? And then three times? That’s when the wire services start noticing. That’s when all the goodwill that you got by dumping your parasitical husband starts to ebb away. People start to ask questions: Did she flee the house without so much as a suitcase? Is this some sort of newfangled therapy for herpes?

Because, as I say so often around these parts, I don’t get it. Never once have I “forgotten” my panties when I was wearing anything other than sweatpants around the house on a Saturday morning. I can certainly understand how no-panties would feel more comfortable than a thong, but am I the only girl in the world who knows the secret of Jockey for Her? They’re perfectly comfortable, they come in breathable cotton, many attractive colors and cuts. I think I’m going to buy a three-pack of the bikinis and send them to this girl. Clearly she needs an underwear intervention.

Actually, many young actresses do. For all the money spent on La Perla and various other high-end lingerie brands by Hollywood celebrities, too much of it stays at home in the drawer. I will say this: It’s certainly entertaining to see the new slang that has grown up around our most slang-worthy body parts. When Lindsay Lohan got caught in a similar fix, one blogger referred to her “shredded pastrami.” Snicker.

If you’re wondering why the blog looks the way it does, I have no idea. We seem to be having some problems down in Atlanta, but my main blog guy is in Lansing, nursing sick in-laws. I’m trying to keep everything in perspective. Sick old people are more important than my blog theme.

Posted at 10:03 am in Housekeeping, Popculch |

14 responses to “Where’d my u-trou go?”

  1. Adrianne said on November 30, 2006 at 10:44 am

    The infamous trio – Paris, Britney and Lindsay – made the front page of the New York Post yesterday on a “Bimbo Alert” and “Three Bimbos of the Apocalypse,” among other memorable descriptions. This was even before the crotch shots. Today’s poster child for bad celeb behavior, on both the Daily News and the Post? “Danny De-Vino” Apparently a highly intoxicated Danny DeVito made a memorable appearance pickled on “The View.” I miss all these morning shows! Damn work.

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  2. Randy said on November 30, 2006 at 12:10 pm

    Britney gave us a “gash flash”. She learned from The Master, Paris Hilton. If Paris had a sign erected next to her nether region, it would read “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here”

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  3. mary said on November 30, 2006 at 12:21 pm

    Jockey for Her is good, but Target has six packs with one extra bonus panty of Hanes My Way high cuts for about six dollars. All cotton, prints or solids. I say as a blog group we all chip in and send Brit some underpants. Or at least a Target gift card.

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  4. brian stouder said on November 30, 2006 at 12:55 pm

    In non-ya-ya celebrity news Nicole Kidman is said to be the #1 earning actress, but back in Australia, the Wiggles (as a group) earn more than her each year…and the news today is that the Yellow Wiggle is quitting the band!


    Brittney Spears’ upskirt snaphots wouldn’t make any impression on our 21/2 year old daughter – but this Yellow Wiggle news will turn her head

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  5. Dorothy said on November 30, 2006 at 1:28 pm

    Britney and Paris deserve each other. What sluts they are! Just goes to show you having money does not mean you have class.

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  6. Danny said on November 30, 2006 at 2:39 pm

    Dorothy, I’ve been fond of the saying that goes: You can tell of God’s contempt for wealth by looking at the people he allows to have it.

    I read a new term a few weeks ago (new to me, anyway) that I thought was hilarious: Celebu-tard. It is often applied to these two and La Lohan

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  7. alex said on November 30, 2006 at 3:53 pm

    In the elevator building in Chicago where I used to live, there were a few women who didn’t wear drawers. Not that I ever saw any pastrami. Rather, when these frail, ancient creatures in housedresses would shuffle in and out of the elevator car, they’d leave little puddles.

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  8. Dorothy said on November 30, 2006 at 3:54 pm

    I dunno, Danny. Bill Gates has lots of money, but then he’s pretty generous with it. And I can’t recall ever hearing about any pictures of his weenie being shown on the Internet!

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  9. basset said on November 30, 2006 at 5:47 pm

    that pic reminded me of a NN quote, from the story about the lingerie chili parlor…

    “…by a woman whose junk and all its filth are covered by only a thin film of polyester, well — someone probably thought it was sexy, but I just thought it was gross.”

    true enough, and even worse without polyester. or any other covering.

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  10. mary said on November 30, 2006 at 6:55 pm

    I think I’d be really careful about what I sat on if I wore miniskirts and no underwear. Maybe she carries those toilet seat covers around with her.

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  11. Lex said on November 30, 2006 at 7:13 pm

    I’m torn between wanting to click on that Wesmirch link and having to get rid of one of my *existing* timewasters.

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  12. mary said on November 30, 2006 at 7:49 pm

    For an occasional trash fix, E online is good. They have a column called, “ask the answer bitch,” which I find particularly enlightening. This week she explains how to tell the Olson twins apart.

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  13. mary said on November 30, 2006 at 7:57 pm

    Here’s how you tell them apart, by the way:

    “Ashley is taller and has a freckle on her upper lip. Mary-Kate comes out only occasionally, to drink the blood of the living and shake her bony fist at the sun.”

    Don’t you feel enlightened?

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  14. MichaelG said on December 1, 2006 at 12:36 am

    Reminds me of those nightmares where you forget to wear your pants when you go out. Also the ones where something is chasing you and you’re running in sand. I never heard the pastrami one before.

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