My so-called train wreck.

It’s coming from the south. Beware! Beware!

Because I stupidly scheduled an orthodontist appointment for Kate on the same day her school is having something called NEAP testing — and you know how cool and laid-back educators are about standardized testing, especially in a soft real-estate market — I have to spend the morning on the phone, throwing myself at the mercy of secretaries who all run their lives more competently than I do.

(UPDATE: I’m wrong. It’s NAEP testing.)

Also, we’re expecting five to eight inches of snow today. Also, I have a deadline that’s now in the rear-view mirror. Also, I need to go to the library, and also, I need to do a rewrite/polish on a radio essay. Also, I’m getting my hair cut, although maybe not, depending on the orthodontist situation.

Fortunately, Neely Tucker showed up for work today. Read this, chuckle, and recall the good parts all day. My favorite:

Is there one among us who, at least once in this life, does not want to throw everything out the door and sprint to the Disco Ball of the Brain, where there are big white piles of dopamine, where a hot and sweaty Barry White is always on stage, thumping out “You’re My First! My Last! My Everything!” And there’s that new girl in class! Scantily clad! She’s on the floor, beckoning you! Yes, Bubba, you! Out you go, and she’s saying your name and her hand slips to the small of your back, and this is going to last FOREVER AND EVER!

Here it goes, a long time ago, Abelard and Heloise, two of history’s most famous lovers:

Abelard to Heloise: “So intense were the fires of lust which bound me to you that I set those wretched, obscene pleasures, which we blush even to name, above God as above myself.”

She to he: “Even during the celebration of the Mass, when our prayers should be purest, lewd visions of the pleasures we shared take . . . a hold on my unhappy soul.”


Did we mention Abelard was castrated as a result of their affair? And Heloise went off to a convent for the rest of her life? That they named their child “Astrolabe”? What people! What passion! What the hell were they thinking?

Actually they weren’t, and neither are you, not really, when you fall passionately in love.

Word, bro. Later.

Posted at 9:38 am in Same ol' same ol' |

12 responses to “My so-called train wreck.”

  1. John C. said on February 13, 2007 at 9:55 am

    I could be wrong, as my little guy is only in second grade and hasn’t had to take them yet, but I think they are called MEAP test, the M standing for Michigan, the E for Educational … and that’s as far as I go. And you should feel good. If your little gal wasn’t a bright little smarty pants, the school probably would have told you to take her to the dentist, and then maybe to the mall!

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  2. nancy said on February 13, 2007 at 10:00 am

    No, MEAP was in the fall. This is NEAP, same as MEAP only the N stands for “national.” And I’m off the hook, whew — the test winds up at 10:20 and I’m not picking her up until 11:15.

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  3. brian stouder said on February 13, 2007 at 10:18 am

    Well, there’s dopamine and then there’s our dopey adrenaline-rushed weather-thespians (one can just imagine the exhortations of their news director/drama coaches in their ear-pieces – “Emote!! BE the blizzard! FEEL it!”)

    In the summertime, in thunderstorm/tornado season, they’re more like weather-terrorists, excitedly issuing warnings and then clucking over downed trees and the like; in the winter, it’s all drama and stentorian tones.

    Here’s hoping Madam Telling Tales’ scheduling woes suddenly give way, and she successfully hits all her marks

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  4. Mary O said on February 13, 2007 at 10:39 am

    In the D.C. suburbs, our dreaded snow never materialized last night — and waited this morning until after the kids were already off to school. Expecting the worst and wanting to avoid an hour-long commute in just to have to turn around and come right back, I called to the office and said I’d be home today. Fear not! Schools are closing early. For the first time in months, I’m actually ahead of the game. But tonight we get that dreaded “wintry mix.” I hope it clears up by Friday a.m. so I can take my child to the orthodontist.

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  5. Kirk said on February 13, 2007 at 11:03 am

    “weather-terrorists”: an apt term

    our market’s most veteran tv weather boy seems to generate more dopamine the more he screeches about what he hopes might possibly happen. interestingly, he was once addicted to painkillers prescribed by the doctor who did the little medical stories on the same station. now (we think) he just gets off on the weather.

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  6. brian stouder said on February 13, 2007 at 11:07 am

    Ms Nall invented the term many years ago, in her column in the good ol’ News-Sentinel (or at least – she’s the one I stole it from!)

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  7. Connie said on February 13, 2007 at 11:12 am

    Hey, I’m on that map! It’s bad here already in the next county east from South Bend. I quit counting how many staff have called to ask “Are we going to close?” The answer is: “If a closing decision is made you will be informed.”

    And I am done with the orthodontist. I suffer for those of you who aren’t. And I hope you don’t reach my total of $17,000 spent on my kid’s mouth, including breaking and rebuilding her upper jaw.

    I am dismayed to see that New Orleans suffered a tornado last night. Wierd weather.

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  8. Dorothy said on February 13, 2007 at 11:29 am

    Ahh the orthodontist appointments. That seems like a million years ago!! But I have pictures of the results of all those appointments surrounding me at my desk here. The gorgeous teeth my kids have now was well worth all that driving back and forth, turning keys in palate expanders, finding microscopic rubber bands all over the house, and doling out tylenol on days when the braces got tightened.

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  9. 4dbirds said on February 13, 2007 at 11:37 am

    Naep, pronounced nape, the nation’s report card. I am part of a team that tests the software. So these huge government initiatives put bread and butter on my family’s table but I’m also the mother of a child with learning disabilities caused by radiation/chemotherapy used in her leukemia treatment. Standardized tests suck for many reasons but for learning disabled children they are hell on earth.

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  10. Mary O said on February 13, 2007 at 11:46 am

    I prefer the term “weather wimp,” which I first read in a column in the Albuquerque Journal about 20 years ago. It describes people who move to the Sun Belt from more frigid parts of the country (just about everyone there) who apparently forget the early lessons they learned about everything in winter — driving, keeping warm, etc. When I was living there people who knew much, much better would wonder aloud, at the sign of one snowflake, if their offices were closing. I’ve encountered the same thing here in D.C.

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  11. MarkH said on February 13, 2007 at 2:03 pm

    Radio essay? Delivered by you, your own self, Nancy? On an NPR affiliate, perhaps, so we can get it online? Just being nosy…

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  12. mouse said on February 13, 2007 at 11:08 pm

    I always thought there was a connection (cash) between the
    weather terrorists and the food stores in Indiana. Great piece
    by neely tucker–made my day

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