T*t soup.

We went out Saturday night, and in the manner of Olds, were inside with the latchstring pulled before 10:30 p.m. I could have probably gone later, but it would have required another food/alcohol game plan, and the couch is so, so inviting at that hour.

Anyway, being without cable but with broadband, I found the president’s speech at the White House Correspondents Dinner with little trouble, and had it playing on my phone as I drifted in and out of consciousness. When we were out earlier, one of my friends said, “I read that the Key & Peele guys write his jokes,” like that was a terrible thing. I responded that of course Obama has a joke writer, like virtually every comedian. Besides, the joke on the page is only half of the miracle; the rest is in the delivery, and that’s all his. And, as has been noted a million times before, Obama has spectacular timing and delivery skills.

You can read the whole speech transcript here, if you like. You’ve probably already read the best zingers:

Anyway, here we are, my eighth and final appearance at this unique event. And I am excited. If this material works well, I’m going to use it at Goldman Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans. That’s right. That’s right.

…And yet somehow, despite all this, despite the churn, in my final year my approval ratings keep going up. The last time I was this high I was trying to decide on my major.

…Sitting at the same table I see Mike Bloomberg. Mike, a combative, controversial New York billionaire is leading the GOP primary and it is not you. That has to sting a little bit. Although it’s not an entirely fair comparison between you and the Donald. After all Mike was a big city mayor. He knows policy in depth. And he’s actually worth the amount of money that he says he is.

What an election season. For example, we’ve got the bright new face of the Democratic party here tonight, Mr. Bernie Sanders. Bernie, you look like a million bucks. Or, to put in terms you’ll understand, you look like 37,000 donations of $27 each.

You can find your own favorites. The last Facebook message I got was from a friend who heard Larry Wilmore’s speech, which ended with this bit, which actually played in a key of pride and nostalgia —

Thank you for being a good sport, Mr. President, but all jokes aside, let me just say how much it means for me to be here tonight. I’ve always joked that I voted for the president because he’s black. And people say, “Well, do you agree with his policies?” And I always said, “I agree with the policy that he’s black.” I said, “As long as he keeps being black, I’m good.” They’d say, “What about Iraq?” “Is he still black?”

But behind that joke is a humble appreciation for the historical implications for what your presidency means.

When I was a kid, I lived in a country where people couldn’t accept a black quarterback. Now think about that. A black man was thought by his mere color not good enough to lead a football team — and now, to live in your time, Mr. President, when a black man can lead the entire free world.

Words alone do me no justice. …Yo, Barry, you did it, my n—-. You did it.

Only he didn’t say n-dash-dash. He said, “my nigga,” and I guess parts of the mediasphere lost their shit. Feh. The world, she changes every day.

A good weekend in our neck of the woods. The theme was sweat: First in Saturday’s workout, then in Sunday’s schvitz, the last until September. In between our friends who recently honeymooned in Napa held Taco Night, and we marveled at their embryonic wine cellar and stories of spectacular dining experiences. Face it, Napa is just grownup yuppie Disneyland. All the pleasures — food, wine, million-thread-count sheets.

The schvitz was pretty great, too. The proprietor turned on the bubbles in the jacuzzi, which are some SERIOUS DAMN BUBBLES. I think my back actually got numb. Everyone in the spa was topless, and I was reminded of one of the funnier lines from “Sex and the City,” when Miranda, at the Playboy Mansion, rounds a corner in the grotto to find a similar sight. “Look,” she says. “Tit soup.”

Bloggage! I know you’re all Princed out, but I chuckled over this Roy take on a National Review Prince column, so what the hell, you should enjoy, too.

And Neil Steinberg disposed of Chris Christie nicely here. By “nicely,” I mean, “with a stiletto.”

…Christie showed up at the Republican debates, delivered his prepackaged zingers and hit his cues. And when it was over he was among the first former opponents to embrace Donald Trump.

As a reward, Trump lets him join the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band album cover melange of models and GOP mercenaries who have drifted over to his banner and are allowed to stand behind him at speeches.

Christie, though, is noteworthy for that expression, that stunned, miserable stare that often comes over his face. I think of that woman trapped in the hive in “Aliens,” who croaks “Kill me.”

Finally, last week I mentioned not keeping up with internet culture so much anymore. One individual I did notice from my keeping-up days, though, was Jeff Jarvis, who was one of those post-9/11 guys, the purported Democratic peacenik who went whole-hog for the warblogs, and later became convinced blogs were oh-so-much-better than boring old ink-on-paper stuff, etc. (It’s more complicated than that, but I don’t have time.) Lately he’s reinvented himself as an eminently parody-able journalism futurist, and a parody Twitter account — @profjeffjarvis — has been parodying him for a while. The other day, Esquire’s website ran a piece by the spoofer, which made the original recipe very, very mad. Gawker took him down nicely.

Busy week ahead. I am not tanned, but I am rested and ready. Bring it on.

Posted at 12:20 am in Current events, Detroit life |

41 responses to “T*t soup.”

  1. Brandon said on May 2, 2016 at 1:27 am

    “with a stiletto.”

    Or “harpoon” if one wants to be sizist.

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  2. Dexter said on May 2, 2016 at 1:43 am

    catch up: Markh: The chart you posted means little…in Ohio courts prosecutors always use the caveat “coerced” and in tandem “by threat of force”. It’s how they play the game here…sorry, I should have put that part in my post, but I quit getting the local paper years ago and forgot it momentarily, but it all came back when I glanced at that linked chart. Unless it’s rape, if the victim is 18 or older, the rules change… but if a victim is 17, 11 months, and 364 days, that victim is still a child and woe be unto anyone 18 or older who advances towards them in a sexual way.
    After this area had a brutal child-rape (2 year old child), the county prosecutors showed no mercy towards offenders; the police reports were taking up multiple columns in the newspapers. Then they began publishing bios and photos of offenders …soon after, they just kept that online and not in the tree and ink editions. Please don’t assume I rest easy regarding the adult man’s and my step-daughter’s conduct…I had no family support in pursuing criminal charges…I was told to back off. I have a gut feeling that as many cases were prosecuted back then, the iceberg was deep and immense. Enough history; I’m writing about what was in the papers over 20 years ago—here, f course, we’ve had three or four Court of Common Pleas judges since then and several prosecuting attorneys. Maybe everything’s changed.

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  3. Dexter said on May 2, 2016 at 1:52 am

    I recorded the WHCD but damn if I have been able to fit it into all the good stuff on TV. Before I hit the sack I am going to watch the latest Viceland Network season premier…something about Montego Bay…”Huang’s World”
    Viceland is the most intriguing network ever..wow..their programming knocks socks off.

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  4. Deborah said on May 2, 2016 at 3:23 am

    I got sucked into the vortex of Jeff Jarvis (who I never heard of before) and anti-Jeff Jarvis. Interesting but esoteric.

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  5. MarkH said on May 2, 2016 at 5:01 am

    Dexter – In no way was I attempting to belittle your genuine concern for your stepdaughter, nor your well-placed anger with the relationship in question. I was merely stating the law in Ohio, and that still stands. The age of sexual consent in Ohio is 16, except in situations as noted in the legal page link I provided. It’s pretty succinct outline. You appear to be arguing prosecutorial conduct or discretion in these matters based on published accounts of certain cases. And yes it is a hot potato depending on the locale and the prosecuting attorneys involved. And different state can have wildly varying laws and penalties. Wyoming’s statute is pretty incredible. As I read it, taking the age down to 12 as long as the offender is not more than 4 years older than the victim. Two of my granddaughters are 9 and 13 year old sisters, and believe me, my wife and I are flabbergasted.

    I didn’t post the chart, Jeff did, and coming from him it means a lot, as it reflects the laws that guide his office in their legal aid work in Licking County. Under 18 comes into play when the other party or offender is in a position of authority and uses it for a sexual relationship, by law, non-consensual.

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  6. Deborah said on May 2, 2016 at 5:09 am

    I’ve been awake since midnight. Today is moving day and I’m stressed about it. I got a couple of hours of sleep before midnight, so I guess I should be thankful for that.

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  7. adrianne said on May 2, 2016 at 6:11 am

    And now this, as John Oliver would say, after nerd prom, a nerd brawl!


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  8. Jeff (the mild-mannered one) said on May 2, 2016 at 6:48 am

    The reason for the chart is that the law (Ohio Revised Code, peace be upon it) is a bit muddled, if well-intended, and it was changed in 2000, so if I’m inferring correctly from the posts involved, I think this has to do with what once was the legal standard versus what it’s been the last fifteen years:

    ORC 2907.04 Unlawful sexual conduct with minor.
    (A) No person who is eighteen years of age or older shall engage in sexual conduct with another, who is not the spouse of the offender, when the offender knows the other person is thirteen years of age or older but less than sixteen years of age, or the offender is reckless in that regard.

    (B) Whoever violates this section is guilty of unlawful sexual conduct with a minor.

    (1) Except as otherwise provided in divisions (B)(2), (3), and (4) of this section, unlawful sexual conduct with a minor is a felony of the fourth degree.

    (2) Except as otherwise provided in division (B)(4) of this section, if the offender is less than four years older than the other person, unlawful sexual conduct with a minor is a misdemeanor of the first degree.

    (3) Except as otherwise provided in division (B)(4) of this section, if the offender is ten or more years older than the other person, unlawful sexual conduct with a minor is a felony of the third degree.

    (4) If the offender previously has been convicted of or pleaded guilty to a violation of section 2907.02, 2907.03, or 2907.04 of the Revised Code or a violation of former section 2907.12 of the Revised Code, unlawful sexual conduct with a minor is a felony of the second degree.

    Effective Date: 10-17-2000

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  9. Jeff (the mild-mannered one) said on May 2, 2016 at 6:53 am

    As MarkH noted, this is not the case nationwide. In our federal system, each state has its own guidelines, so what is legal in one jurisdiction can be a felony across one county line into state X, or a misdemeanor across another county line into state Y, so if you’re in a tri-state area, you’ll hear all kinds of stuff about what’s “the law” and it all might be true . . . depending on jurisdiction.

    And I doubt I’d rattle too many cages if I said there’s stuff you could pretty quickly get someone arrested for in this county through a simple parental juvenile complaint filing, but if you filed a complaint just over the county line to our west, you’d not hear back for months, and until last fall, that same complaint one county south would vanish entirely unless you could get a LEA to join your complaint.

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  10. Suzanne said on May 2, 2016 at 7:19 am

    I watched Obama’s funny bit at the correspondant’s dinner. He has great comedic timing and many of the tweets said, basically, he doesn’t give a rip any more which makes it all sweeter. I wasn’t impressed with Wilmore. I don’t know if it was his delivery or what. Cutting edge? Maybe. Stuff that needed saying? Maybe. I just didn’t find him funny.

    Someone posted this on Facebook this am. Very good: http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/04/america-tyranny-donald-trump.html

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  11. alex said on May 2, 2016 at 7:55 am

    Agreed, Wilmore was just so-so, especially when you look back at the job Wanda Sykes did in 2009. Unfortunately, the right-wingers went berserk over Sykes and the White House was forced to apologize for her. They should have invited her back for Obama’s swan song.

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  12. ROGirl said on May 2, 2016 at 7:58 am

    I watched the videos yesterday. Obama’s speech was funny, pushed the envelope some, but not too too much. I got the sense that Wilmore was trying to “epater les bourgeois,” and in that sense he succeeded. But I also thought that his Ted Cruz/Zodiac Killer riff should have ended after one round.

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  13. beb said on May 2, 2016 at 8:16 am

    I read the transcript of Larry Wilmore’s speech and couldn’t stop laughing. The one sour note was his quip about the president liking to bomb people from long distance. It hurts but it’s true. The Cruz/Zodiac Killer still went completely over my head. I gather the Zodiac Killer was a serial murderer but I have no memory of him. It must be an East Coast thing.

    Wilmore did a number of Chris Christie, too, that I thought was hilarious. While talking about how far up the ass of Donald Trump the Morning Joe show was, Wilmore quips that they found Chris Chrstie.

    Jeff Jarvis is another person I’ve avoided all my life. I have no idea what his complaint is now but the idea that he’s inspired a parody FB account seems reason enough to find another career since he obviopusly sucks at whatever he’s doing now.

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  14. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 8:39 am

    I, for one, am now fixated on tit soup!

    Maybe for lunch…

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  15. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 9:44 am

    Just for the record, Saturday Chloe (our 11 year-old) and I were driving around semi-aimlessly in a light rain, and then we rolled past McMillan Park, and noticed many, many, many cars parked near where the ice-rink was (now a community center). I told her that President Clinton was going to show up, and maybe we should roll in there, and she voted ‘No’ – didn’t want to stop. I went ahead and headed into the park, whereupon we found that there were many, many, MANY cars in there, plus lots of police, and the aforementioned rain. Chloe was still voting “no” – so we rolled back out of the park, and toward the library.

    Then Sunday afternoon (sometime after 2 pm), Shelby (our currently-17 year old, who gets to vote on Tuesday) mentioned that we should go get something for Pam, for mother’s day – and we did…but not before heading for the airport, to see if we could see Trump’s 757 come in. Probably another 40 cars (or so) of people had the same idea, and indeed we saw the thing (they staged it over by the old Kittyhawk hangar, maybe 1000 feet across the tarmac from the main terminal), and then watched as their motorcade was assembled and then rolled off. A friend of Shelby’s (who happens to be Hispanic) attended the Trump rally at the Coliseum, and I am looking forward to hearing that story!

    Bottomline – after all the junk calls we’ve screend (thank you, Caller ID!) and junk-mail we’ve pitched, I will never belly-ache about the inflated importance of Iowa/New Hampshire again; they can have it. But it is kind of neat, once every 20 or 30 years, to have a local election with national implications

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  16. Bitter Scribe said on May 2, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Some Fox News nitwit accused Wilmore of “racism” for “my nigga.” That’s not how it works, dumbass. Yes, black people can use that word and white people can’t. Get over it.

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  17. Jeff Borden said on May 2, 2016 at 10:31 am

    I will miss the easy elegance displayed by President Obama. None of those still standing in the presidential race have even a whit of his style and grace. I never understood those like Maureen Dowd who mocked the president’s cool, intellectual style. After the Bush presidency, it was refreshing and welcome. I was able to vote FOR a presidential candidate in the last two elections. This fall, I will be voting AGAINST a candidate. Ms. Clinton doesn’t stir me, but she’s better than any Republican.

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  18. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 10:33 am

    …by a country mile!

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  19. Sue said on May 2, 2016 at 10:52 am

    Speaking of weekends, on Saturday we babysat two of my neighbor’s kids. After they had taken a tour and asked all the curious questions kids will ask in an old person’s house (it is apparently a fascinating place, with cabinets of dishes and other breakables everywhere, plus things like back massagers and walking sticks), and after lunch (tea party using stuff from the cabinets), there was still about 45 minutes to kill. So, on went the tv. Here’s what I found out:
    Alvin and the Chipmunks is STILL ON, only Dave doesn’t yell as much and the chipmunks look like someone mixed up some human DNA with some chipmunk DNA. They looked like kids with a stripe down their nose and a tail. Creepy.
    Cereal commercials haven’t changed. I wanted some chocolate frosted sugar bombs pronto.
    Other commercials have really ramped up the message. You WANT those sparkly shoes, all your friends have them and you will travel in a sparkly-shoed pack if you buy them. By the end of the commercial I wanted sparkly shoes to go with my cereal.

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  20. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    Sue, sounds great!

    A few months ago Pam got a job at the Helen P Brown Natatorium (aka – “the Nat”!), and I came within a centimeter of buying her a pair of shoes that were so ugly, they were perfect (imo).

    They were blue-blue shiny shoes, with multiple over-lapping blue dots of all sizes…very aquatic!

    Pam didn’t think that would be the best fashion-choice, while she’s making first impressions there

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  21. jcburns said on May 2, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    The John Boehner who is talking off the cuff to students and doing cameos with the President for the WH Correspondents’ Dinner seems a LOT more human. Why couldn’t we have that one as Speaker?

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  22. Julie Robinson said on May 2, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    We spent the weekend working on Mom’s house in Illinois again, she who must curate every object, even if it’s obviously worthless (at least, to us). Got home after 9 last night, stiff and sore, heads full of dust, brains full of frustration. So, not rested and ready, plus missed all the Correspondents’ Dinner fun and candidates in town.

    When I tried to sign into my finance program this morning it wasn’t working, so I tried restarting the computer and was almost ready to call the tech guy. Then I realized my number lock was off. This took me 10 minutes to figure out. Oh boy. No cogent comments from me today.

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  23. adrianne said on May 2, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    I will say this: I’m no fan of John Boehner, but underneath that permanent tan lurks a real human being. Not like the guy who replaced him, Paul Ryan, who in the inimitable words of Charles Pierce, is described as the “zombie-eyed granny starver.”

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  24. Jakash said on May 2, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    Brian @ 14,

    I don’t know where you might find any of the soup-of-the-day on the menu. You might be able to get some cock-a-leekie somewhere, but you’re probably not up for that… ; )

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  25. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 1:45 pm


    When everything synchronizes just so – Pammy is a good soup maker, although her cups runneth over!

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  26. Brandon said on May 2, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    Alvin and the Chipmunks is STILL ON, only Dave doesn’t yell as much and the chipmunks look like someone mixed up some human DNA with some chipmunk DNA. They looked like kids with a stripe down their nose and a tail. Creepy.


    @Sue: I remember the NBC cartoon series, in which Alvin and his brothers were about the height of human children. In the recent movies (Road Chip, Chipwrecked, etc.) and the updated Nickelodeon cartoon, they’re literally the size of actual chipmunks.

    How Tall are the Chipmunks?

    Intro to the 1983 Alvin series.

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  27. Sherri said on May 2, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    The Supreme Court refused to hear a challenge to Seattle’s $15 minimum wage law. Seattle had structured the law so that small businesses had longer to phase the wage change in than larger businesses, and had classified franchise businesses like McDonalds et al as large businesses. The franchisees and the International Franchise Association had sued, claiming that they were small local businesses. They lost, and the Supremes refuse to hear their appeal.

    Small businesses had 7 years to phase in the change, large businesses had 3.

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  28. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    A non-sequitur; I saw where Don Trump went after HRC for using the term “off the reservation” – and I went to Uncle Google for some thoughts on that phrase which pre-date the Donald and HRC, and found this:


    and I have to say – although I’ve no respect for the Donald, and wouldn’t vote him onto our city council (let alone the Presidency of the United States), his criticism in this case is valid, and worth pondering

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  29. Jolene said on May 2, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Why couldn’t we have that one as Speaker?

    Because the Tea Party knuckleheads (his word) refused to cooperate in passing any reasonable legislation, and, in an attempt to hold onto his power, he refused to oppose them by bringing to the floor legislation that would not pass under the Hastert rule.*

    If he’d been willing to, for instance, bring the immigration bill passed by the Senate to the House floor, we’d have had comprehensive immigration reform passed with the support of House Dems and some Republicans, and we might have been spared the xenophobic ranting of Donald Trump.

    *Am curious about what will happen to the Hastert rule now that Hastert is disgraced. They’ll likely drop the moniker. Could it be that their reliance on this odious rule will fade as well? We can only hope.

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  30. Bitter Scribe said on May 2, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    Oh fuck Donald Trump and his phony umbrage. When you’ve pulled the xenophobic crap he has, you don’t get to posture as a friend to Indians or any other minority.

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  31. Dexter said on May 2, 2016 at 2:57 pm

    Thanks Markh and JTMMO for the comments. As muddled and muddied as Ohio laws seem to be, Indiana (where I worked for 32 years) was really changed at some point. Vastly different ways of handling child sex abuse cases…another time maybe, I could reminisce about the cases of a couple men I worked with over the years, and their fates.

    I’ll watch the WHCD tonight, also Game of Thrones has my Facebook page all a-buzz. I gotta see what happened.

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  32. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    Bitter – couldn’t agree more.

    But even a blind pig can sometimes find a nut, right?

    (do you suppose that’s where the term “blind pig” as in after-hours tavern comes from?)

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  33. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    Pam and I had the C-SPAN live-for-hours coverage on, as we did other things, and it is quite pleasant.

    One can try and name the various luminaries flitting about, and critique the clothing (both men and women) and marvel at the tireless wait-staff, and note the people who work the whole room (as VP Biden did) and the people (mostly men) who stand and talk (and impede the wait staff!), presumably to draw the cameras – all while we go about doing other things

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  34. brian stouder said on May 2, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    So right at this instant, Fort Wayne has Bernie conducting a rally at IPFW, and Raphael Cruz is at the Grand Wayne Center, downtown.

    The one interesting thing about a visit from the Donald would be if one could bump into Katie Tur, who I think is one of the bravest reporters on shoe leather

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  35. Jolene said on May 2, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    On PBS tomorrow night: An American Masters profile of Janis Joplin.

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  36. Sue said on May 2, 2016 at 5:15 pm

    Leicester City wins Premier League. 5000 – 1 odds.

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  37. Kim said on May 2, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    Sue, my kid the soccer freak is more disappointed at Tottenham’s behavior in the draw than impressed with Leicester City’s win – and believe me, he’s the kind of soccer freak who has known the odds of each team all season.

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  38. Bob (not Greene) said on May 2, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    Kim, Spurs spursed it up pretty good, blowing a 2-0 lead. Chelsea weren’t exactly the paragons of virtue either, but I have to say Tottenham was a real disappointment today. On the other hand — Leicester City, what a story.

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  39. Jeff (the mild-mannered one) said on May 2, 2016 at 6:15 pm

    Hail, Richard III!

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  40. Sherri said on May 2, 2016 at 8:57 pm

    I wish I were imaginative to make up something half this insane. Unfortunately, the truth is always more insane.


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  41. Deborah said on May 2, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    Oh my Lord I haven’t been this sore and tired since I took that building class a couple of years ago. I won’t bore you with the details but everything that could go wrong did go wrong with the moving company we used. I would not recommend Two Men and a Truck to anyone even though we used them 13 years ago and had a great experience. I knew there was a reason I was so stressed out and got little sleep the night before. I hate moving. Arrggghhh.

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