Yesterday was one of those days reading Facebook made me feel stupider. A number of Friends of the NN.C Empire noted that George Steinbrenner managed to die during the Year of No Estate Tax, saving his heirs millions. And one of their friends — because I hope I don’t have friends this dumb — wondered if we might see a rash of rich-old-people suicides, as the year draws to a close.
And then, with a soft click and faint buzz, a compact fluorescent bulb went on over my head. Elevator pitch!
After enjoying a holy and prayerful Christmas with his family, a rich man considers suicide on New Year’s Eve, to avoid the fearsome Death Tax. He stands on a bridge built with stimulus money, ready to take the leap, when he’s approached by the angel ghost of Ronald Reagan, who convinces him to wait. The two visit a world where the man’s grandchildren nod on heroin binges with Kennedy offspring, having been relieved of the burden of earning a living. The man wonders what happened to his old hero when the ghost tells him this isn’t the result of confiscatory death taxes but the relaxation of social norms in place for generations. They go back in time and kill the inventor of birth control, several labor leaders, and all the filthy hippies they can find, for God. They return to the present, and there is no President Obama, just a thousand-year GOP reich, er, democratically elected government, which is lean and funded by a 3 percent flat tax on income.
“How can I get out of paying this 3 percent?” the man asks, as Reagan prepares to depart. The Gipper ghost winks and says, “That’s for the sequel” and disappears to the sound of ringing bells across the land.
So, it needs a little work. But I think it has promise for one of those right-wing movie-making projects. Mel Gibson can play the lead. I’m pretty sure he’ll be available.
Actually, I didn’t have much time for Facebook yesterday. It was crazy busy, interrupted by a trip downtown to check an election filing that wasn’t downtown, I learned, but in Lansing, and on the web to boot. OK. But a trip downtown is never wasted, especially when you can visit the Coleman A. Young Municipal Center. And find a street parking spot. I drove home along Jefferson, just for the hell of it — freeways are fine for getting where you need to go in a hurry, but the scenery’s better at street level. The town’s not looking any better than it did the last time I took the long way home, but it’s not looking worse. In this economy, that counts as redevelopment. Hang in there, crazytown.
So, the I Write Like meme was sweepin’ the internets yesterday, and I paused long enough to plug a few paragraphs in the analyzer, to see which famous writer I write like:
Oh, I do not. Let’s try again:
Hmm. One more time:
David Foster Wallace
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
I’m thinking this is randomizing crap. But entertaining.
Why it sucks to look for work in the digital age.
Finally, a funny from Sara Benincasa. She sounds just like her.
And away we go.
LAMary said on July 15, 2010 at 11:02 am
I was in the process of finding out I write like Charles Dickens when you posted this. I don’t.
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Michael said on July 15, 2010 at 11:09 am
As an estate planning attorney I’ve written more than a thousand advance health care directives. In over 95% of the cases people give their adult children the authority to make life and death decisions regarding providing or withholding health care. And who benefits if death comes before January 1, 2011? Holy conflict of interest!
I suspect there will be some interesting hospital conversations this December.
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coozledad said on July 15, 2010 at 11:48 am
I write like William Gibson And David Foster Wallace too, neither of whom I’ve ever read. The thing’s obviously a sham, because I patched some stuff into it that should have gotten the reply “You write like shit!”
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paddyo' said on July 15, 2010 at 12:05 pm
David Foster Wallace here . . . no, wait, James Joyce . . . well, I AM Irish, so . . .
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Sue said on July 15, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I got David Foster Wallace. I also was told it was a “great job!” and asked if I wanted to get my book published.
The sample I gave was a business letter in response to a complaint. I didn’t know David Foster Wallace did those.
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Dexter said on July 15, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Six hundred fifty million dollars to the Steinbrenner clan because of lucky timing. OK, I was just starting my first cuppa java but I am almost sure that is what FOX Business News reported . The Steinbrenner heirs made out like fat faced mean-ass white haired rats.
George Steinbrenner only invested $168,000 of his own dough into the syndicate that bought the NY team in the early 1970s.
Under his leadership the franchise increased in worth from less than ten million dollars to over a billion and a half dollars. In 1973 a Yankee Stadium box seat was about $6.50 per game. In 2009, the price went up to over $2,500 per game, which , under intense protest by, I guess, rich fucks that sensed a rip-off, was rescinded to about half that, maybe a little more, like fifteen hundred per seat.
Well, that’s New York. Governor Paterson’s latest tax on cigarettes, another one dollar and sixty cents , has boosted the price of a pack to thirteen dollars. My sources tell me the alleys of Forest Hills Queens and Canarsie Brooklyn are now the places to buy bootleg, untaxed cigarettes, sold out of vans by criminals…or just guys trying to make a buck. Because even rich fucks who can afford twenty-five hundred baseball ducats, marked down to $1,500, refuse, at times, to pay one hundred thirty dollars for a carton of cancer sticks.
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brian stouder said on July 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Well, speaking of a flat-tax life (if not a flat-line, yet), or dying at the politically correct moment – just last night I learned that former Vice President Cheney no longer has a pulse*. It turns out that the most recent cardiac event he had – which was said (at the time) to be minor, if not routine, was actually critical; his heart had failed and the decision was made to install a mechanical pump with an external drive. The valves within his heart are now permanently closed, and the man literally has no pulse anymore.
I believe that, in the final analysis, all of us would sincerely offer our best wishes for the man, and for his loved ones; and we will dispense with speculation about the ultimate destination for his eternal soul (the better to avoid similar speculation about our own). I will, however, NOT feel bound by any such restraint if it comes to pass that the former Vice President has prepared a political jeremiad for delivery after his departure from this material world. (if the guy wants to literally sling mud from his grave, then he will have written his own epitaph; but we digress!)
*Rachel Maddow had an altogether fascinating and informative report about this turn of events, with a cardiologist on set last night
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Jeff Borden said on July 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm
I’m just glad Rudy Ghouliani never had the chance to build the Yankees emporium on the Upper West Side, which he and George S. wanted several years ago. It would’ve been a nightmare. . .and a terrible blow to the Bronx.
I used to hate the Yankees on principle, but the team was such a class act under Joe Torre. It was hard to dislike Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Jorge Posada, Andy Pettite, Mariano Rivera. Now, I kind of grudgingly admire the team. . .even if Alex Rodriguez does play there.
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MichaelG said on July 15, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Smuggling smokes to NY has been a major industry on the East Coast for the last fifty years or more.
Boy. Fifty years ain’t what it used to be.
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Barbara said on July 15, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Heh. I was Mario Puzo and/or Stephen King. Nothing too literary for me!
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Dorothy said on July 15, 2010 at 1:29 pm
If I cut and paste one of Nancy’s posts will it tell me I write like her?
I got David Foster Wallace, too. Me thinks they need a few more author’s names in the mix there.
LOVED Sara Benincasa!!!
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Deborah said on July 15, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Whoa Brian, that does not sound good for Cheney. This is one of those, be careful what you wish for moments for me. Do I feel guilty or what?
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beb said on July 15, 2010 at 1:45 pm
$13 a pack for cigarettes in new York? I hate paying that kind of money for a good book, and I *like* good books!
Someone once said politicians should never pass laws that they can’t enforce. That makes a lot of sense. Once the government taxes cigarettes through the roof, people will starting going out of state to buy them, or look for bootleggers.
And as much as I hate cigarettes I also hate the idea of taxing them so heavily, as a “sin tax” it’s the only tax Republicans will allow to be passed. Besides its a free country, people have a right to go to hell if they want to — as long as they go dragging other people with them.
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4dbirds said on July 15, 2010 at 1:47 pm
I write like Stephen King. I think it was the use of the phrase “hacked my grandfather to death”.
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nancy said on July 15, 2010 at 1:50 pm
I could have a discussion about sin taxes with a reasonable Republican. Thirteen bucks seems absurd for a pack of cigarettes, and well past the tipping point where it fails to encourage quitting and instead makes for huge profits for the Soprano family.
I honestly don’t know how smokers justify the expense. Bumming a smoke used to be a friendly way to approach someone. Now it’s like asking for a dollar.
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4dbirds said on July 15, 2010 at 1:52 pm
I too read that the surgery on Cheney was ‘a big effin deal’ and that his only treatment choice when this fails (and it will) is transplant. I think it is safe to put him on a celebrity death list. If that makes me sound like an awful person, I don’t care. I think he has blood on his hands.
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4dbirds said on July 15, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I have a couple of smokers in my household and I hate that they smoke. They are constantly being hit up for cigarettes by their friends. They now do the two pack deal. They have their real pack and they have a ‘show’ pack with only one cigarette. When their friends ask for a cigarette they present their ‘show’ pack and sadly announce they only have one cig left.
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mark said on July 15, 2010 at 1:59 pm
It’s the “reasonable Republicans” that are all for sin taxes. They don’t like your (my) smokes and booze, your guys don’t like my thermostat setting. Neither group can escape the law of unintended consequences and black market activity thrives and respect for the law diminishes.
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Jeff Borden said on July 15, 2010 at 2:02 pm
When I was in college and smokes were less than a buck a pack, I generally smoked Marlboro reds. I was hit up so many times by mooching fellow students that I started smoking unfiltered Lucky Strikes. Less than 10% of those asking for a cigarette ever accepted a Lucky.
I will feel no sympathy for Richard Bruce Cheney when he shuffles off this mortal coil. He has done far too much damage to my country and its citizens –damage that will take years to repair, if ever– for me to feel a scintilla of remorse.
Besides, he has passed on his evil bastard gene to Liz, who will happily carry on his hateful, loathsome legacy. It will be as if he never died.
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Dorothy said on July 15, 2010 at 2:13 pm
I don’t know why everyone has him with one and a half feet in the grave. On the TODAY show this morning they said he was up and walking around, talking, and even watched some John Wayne movies. If that’s not healthy I don’t know what is.
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4dbirds said on July 15, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Since I am all for science and its use in prolonging life, I hope the device he had implanted works. Scientific research, government funded scientific research saved my daughter’s life. However, from what I’ve read and that’s all I know is what I’ve read, the heart pump that Cheney received is used for short periods, to buy time while they wait for a new heart.
They are also being studied for use as a permanent therapy for people with severe heart failure who can’t have a transplant.
So he may get several months and even several years but it sounds like they expect it to fail sooner rather than later.
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alex said on July 15, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Watching John Wayne movies ain’t all that healthy. It teaches false stereotypes about native Americans and white women on the western frontier, the latter of whom did not have Hollywood smiles with full sets of teeth.
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brian stouder said on July 15, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Dorothy – my understanding is, the former Vice President’s life is now literally at the end of a tether; a power cord plugged into an outlet.
(He has an eight hour battery power pack; making me wonder how far I’d push that? 3 hours? 4?)
The pump is said to turn at 8000 rpm; I question that (it sounds awfully high) – but then again, such a small pump would need lots of rpm to produce the volume needed. Still, 8,000 revolutions per minute on any mechanical device is going to raise definite service-life issues
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coozledad said on July 15, 2010 at 2:49 pm
John Wayne? That’s just PR rubbish. He’s watching the director’s cut of “The Necromantics”, if anything.
And speaking of beating dead horses, here’s conclusive proof that “I Write Like” is utter crap. Here’s my straight out the ass submission culled from memories of letters to the editor, for which I earned a Dan Brown. Does The DaVinci Code really suck this bad?
“I’m tired of reading in this paper every week how we’re going to be on the hook for highway improvements to the tune of five million dollars while the city council is building a palace fit for royalty. When I was coming up through school here the city council met in a small room in the back of “The Three Way” restaurant and I remember Sid Cutts falling out dead on the floor after he’d ate the meat loaf. My daddy said he nearly jumped the table and spilled everybody’s soup the day when he had his heart attack, and if he’d have lived he’d have had a bad burn to his scalp. Is everybody deaf or is socialism just a fact of life we’ve decided to ignore? You can’t get help in this town unless you want a yard full of Mexicans, and you’d better believe it won’t be long before they outnumber us long time residents in Snatchburg.
What it comes down to is Americanism versus Communism and it’s harder and harder to find the old America of the cross and the switchblade. I’m not a racist, but if we don’t crack down on the minorities here, I believe the way some of these girls dress now there’s going to be a clutter of mix race babies, and woe unto them at the Lord’s return. There’s got to be some discipline, and quick, before I’m too old to see it.”
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Dexter said on July 15, 2010 at 2:51 pm
JB, you’re batting .750 with me. I agree 100% with you about Cheney, but I’ll only split with you on the Yankee thing. I had my first published letter printed by The Sporting News in 1967, and the topic was that rotten Joe Torre, who had illegally blocked home plate without the baseball and caused Glenn Beckert to be called out. My letter raved on about how crooked and dirty a player Torre was, and just for fun I have carried a “hate-on” for him ever since.
I saw a work-up of the Cheney heart pump. The docs are saying he will not be restored to full activity at all…this thing severely limits what he can do. Robert Bazell is NBC News’ Chief Science and Health Correspondent. He reported that a transplant search may take years, and without the pump, Cheney didn’t have all that long…but now he does. Ya can’t win this wishing game. I wish he’d just…(scene fades to black in the New Jersey diner with onion rings for the table still hot…)
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Jeff Borden said on July 15, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Right on, Alex. I think one of the reasons I treasured “Deadwood” –aside from the dialogue– was that it might’ve been the most realist depiction of frontier life ever rendered on film. I chuckle now when one of the old Western TV shows come on. . .with the clean streets, no horse plop, washed and ironed shirts, shiny boots and, if it was a series from the ’50s, the star sporting a hair-oiled pompadour.
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Dexter said on July 15, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Ah, Ian McShane and Brad Dourif were both so great in Deadwood. Al Swearengen was played by McShane and Doc Cochran by Dourif.
Most memorable , unforgettable scene: Mr. Wu was listening to Al plotting something out, and he uttered his displeasure at these enemies of his from San Francisco, and the big Chinese man said “San Francisco COCKSUCKAHS !” It’s just the juvenile in me…I mean the scene was hilarious.
http://www.legendsofamerica.com/we-deadwoodhbo2.html#Mr.%20Wu%20and%20Other%20Chinese%20Characters
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paddyo' said on July 15, 2010 at 3:07 pm
BTW, Dick Cheney writes like David Foster Wallace, too. I checked with one of his commencement speeches at one of the military academies.
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brian stouder said on July 15, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Wow, that was cold, Paddyo; you could drive the Proprietress to her scotch with remarks like that!
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LAMary said on July 15, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Forget transplant for the Dickster. Where would you find a human heart that tiny?
As for him watching John Wayne movies, hell, he’s from Wyoming. If anyone knows the realities of wild west life it’s Dick so if he says John Wayne is doing a perfect portrayal of life on the frontier, it must be so. It’s sort of like Reagan’s ideas about war.
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Jeff Borden said on July 15, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Nice line, LAMary. Are any of the Munchkins still alive? No, those tiny hearts wouldn’t work. They were warm-blooded, not reptilian.
Once Deadeye Dick kicks, I don’t look forward to all the “he was a great patriot” twaddle that will be released like swamp gas from the rightwing blowhards. He’ll always be “Five Deferments” Dick to me, a chickenhawk to the core.
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Bob (Not Greene) said on July 15, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Well, I pasted in a news story and an editorial I wrote this week and I was David Foster Wallace on both counts. I didn’t like that, so I pasted in another edit and I’m Dan Brown. Cooze, we’re like brothers, I guess.
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Dorothy said on July 15, 2010 at 3:57 pm
I guess the dry sarcasm I was aiming for in that statement about “if that isn’t healthy I don’t know what is” was missing. Where’s David Foster Wallace when you need him to express some good sarcasm? Oh yeah, he’s dead.
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brian stouder said on July 15, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Dammit ta hell!
Dorothy, usually I’m on your wavelength, but there’s thunderstorms booming away hereabouts, and so I think the dry sarcasm reception trouble is on my rainy-assed end
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Julie Robinson said on July 15, 2010 at 4:25 pm
A hospital stay of several weeks for Cheney means he’s in terrible condition. Even my sister, with all of her complications after bypass surgery, was out in less than two weeks, and most patients in that hospital were there less than a week. I would love to be an onlooker at Cheney’s judgment day.
If you want a good cowboy movie then run away if someone wants to foist Appaloosa on you. The material could not be redeemed by Ed Harris, Viggo Mortenson and Jeremy Irons. Renee Zellweger is just plain awful. She should have taken one look at herself in costume and broken her contract.
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LAMary said on July 15, 2010 at 4:36 pm
I saw Renee Zellweger in My One and Only on cable last week and that was really awful too. It was followed by A Walk on the Moon which was not only bad, but the ending was so lame it reminded me of an SNL sketch. You know the kind where they don’t seem to have a good ending so they say something like, “hey, let’s all go out for pizza?” That bad.
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annie said on July 15, 2010 at 4:54 pm
A Walk on the Moon was NOT a bad movie because Viggo Mortenson was HOT!
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Julie Robinson said on July 15, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Annie, he is hot but not in Appaloosa. Save your time.
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John said on July 15, 2010 at 5:09 pm
“Dallas Cowboy running back Emmett Till”
The Bachmann spoof was too funny!
My bypass was on a Monday and I went home that Saturday.
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Deborah said on July 15, 2010 at 6:12 pm
I agree Jeff B, about all of the “twaddle” that will be aired about saint Dick. LA Mary, the tiny heart crack made me snort loudly, turning heads here at work.
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Jolene said on July 15, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Besides, he has passed on his evil bastard gene to Liz, who will happily carry on his hateful, loathsome legacy. It will be as if he never died.
Not only that, she has five children. I guess we can hope for teen-age rebellion that sticks. I don’t exactly what it is about her demeanor, but, quite apart from anything she is actually saying, she has the least appealing manner of speaking I have ever heard. I absolutely cannot stand listening to her.
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Jolene said on July 15, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Cooz, that was a mighty impressive letter to the editor. Sounds like your local rag provides some fine entertainment.
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MichaelG said on July 15, 2010 at 6:36 pm
Maybe they could fit Cheney with the heart from that cursed little gecko
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Connie said on July 15, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Many many years ago my dad, then in his late 30s, had the first quadruple bypass performed in Grand Rapids. They kept him in the hospital for six weeks, and in a hospital bed at home for another six weeks. Now he is a grumpy 78 year old who received stents two years ago, and has a continuous and not pleasant anemic response to the Plavix all stent receivers must take.
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Sara Benincasa said on July 15, 2010 at 7:47 pm
THANK YOU for the link, Nancy! I am honored. I’ll be doing Bachmann videos every Wednesday for Wonkette from now on. 🙂
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deb said on July 15, 2010 at 8:30 pm
damn, i’m bummed — i may be the only nn.c regular who’s read some david foster wallace but doesn’t write like him. but wait–i do write like daniel defoe, stephen king and ian fleming. maybe it’s time to get cracking on that spy novel.
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brian stouder said on July 15, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Ms Benincasa – I never saw any of your videos up ’til today, and I must say: Bravo!!
I was smiling all through it – but the Bachmann speaking in tongues part got me guffawing and chortling, until my lovely wife came out to see what the hell I was laughing at. Turns out that it was contageous
edit: I also clicked the “I write like” link, and was immediately taken aback by this sentence:
Check which famous writer you write like with this statistical analysis tool, which analyzes your word choice and writing style and compares them with those of the famous writers
I think that whoever wrote that, writes like our almost-15 year old
edit 2: I copy/pasted my comment #7 above into that writer thing, and it said I “write like” (all together now…) David Foster Wallace (I was hoping for Dr Gerry Prokopowicz, but alas – it was not to be)
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prospero said on July 15, 2010 at 9:00 pm
I’d take Tom McGuane in an instant, but I’d pause at Thomas Gibson. He’s brilliant. David Foster Wallace is the literary definition of “hot mess”. Guy needed Thomas Wolfe’s editor.
Representative Ompah Loompah? Obama’s a Commoniss, the banking regulation legislation should be repealed, the Tea Party isn’t racist. The guy’s so bizarre, his legislative impetus so strange and class-based. I mean, if people will vote for this asshole, there is no hope whatever for representative democracy.
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Dexter said on July 15, 2010 at 9:11 pm
I write like Margaret Atwood. Jesus Christ…how much stretch is in this rope?
I just submitted a rant I wrote on my blog a year ago…now i write like David Foster Wallace. Ha ha. O-K…I get it.
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prospero said on July 15, 2010 at 9:28 pm
Dexter, Margaret Atwood rules. Female, Canadian, exotic-looking older woman that’s undoubtedly great at sex. I got John Crowley, and I’d rather have had William Gibson, but I’m not displeased. Y’all should try Alias Grace.
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prospero said on July 15, 2010 at 10:12 pm
What do you have to write to be TC Boyle, or Roddy Doyle, or Walter Moseley? It’s unlikely any of those guys ever really needed an editor.
Why isn’t anybody rockin’ Hemingway? Because he couldn’t write his way out of a paperr bag. Scott Fitzgera? Somewhat better, not great. Best novels that didn’t involve magic? It’s contemporary writers,
Now, if this thing came up with Thomas Pynchon, I’d know for sure it was shit. Nobody does that. Maybe it can dial down and do Martin Amis. I’m really smart and needy beyond a clue.
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MaryRC said on July 15, 2010 at 10:30 pm
I write like Jane Austen, apparently. I feel quite chuffed as the Brits say.
I submitted some comments about Sarah Palin, which makes me wonder what Austen would have had to say about her. I think Sarah shows up in a couple of her works — Fanny Dashwood, Lucy Steele and Mrs. Elton come immediately to mind.
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Deborah said on July 15, 2010 at 10:33 pm
I had a sighting this morning that I’m still trying to figure out. I was crossing Michigan Ave at Delaware on my way to work and there were four news cameramen surrounding two white guys crossing towards me. They had an entourage too. One was a young guy, early twenties I’d say, a tall red head. There was an older guy early to mid fifties with him, they were talking to each other and dressed for running, probably heading up the lake shore. I assume they were sports figures because I didn’t recognize them at all. If there was some news report about them I would have clearly been in the shot because of where I was standing waiting for the light. Do these guys sound familiar to any one?
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Denice B. said on July 15, 2010 at 11:12 pm
Saw a homeless man with a sign on the street corner that read “Will Work For Cigarettes”.
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Jeff (the mild-mannered one) said on July 15, 2010 at 11:33 pm
I write like Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
(OK, I made that one up.)
Put in “Will Work For Cigarettes” (well, had to put it in five times) and got:
I write like Oscar Wilde.
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prospero said on July 16, 2010 at 12:40 am
I tried writing like Martin Amis, and it told me I was Christopher Hitchens. Anybody ever seen both in the same place? Neurasthenia rampant. I write like like Thomas Carlyle. Or more like Mark Twain.
O wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world
That has such people in’t!
Y’all are the most enlightened folks on the net. A blessing.
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Dexter said on July 16, 2010 at 12:57 am
Deborah: Probably cast members of “Transformers 3”.
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prospero said on July 16, 2010 at 1:19 am
John D. McDonald? Shoot, I think I write like Kurt Vonnegut. Or Peter Carey. I’d be happy with James Lee Burke.
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Dexter said on July 16, 2010 at 1:41 am
I thought I would link this for the ladies amongst us. It is the Times’ #1 emailed story, and the headline grabbed my attention.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/15/fashion/15French.html?_r=1
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