Question: If exercise is so damn good for you — and yes, your honor, I’ll stipulate that it is — why is it so hard to get motivated to do it? Why do you spend the first 20 minutes of a workout thinking, “God, I should bag this”? Why is it accompanied by injury, pain and sweating?

Just asking. I got back on the bike today after a week off, and the trip from the back door to the garage felt like climbing Everest. At the end of the hour I was happy I’d done it, as I always am, but why is the first 15 minutes such a pain? Just asking.

“I want a form of exercise that’s like sex. You want to do it, you work a while, you get a reward, then you go to sleep. Now that’s exercise.” — my friend Jeff Borden, who as far as I know never found this holy grail, but does ride his bike.

I was happy I did it, but I was happy to get home, too. We’re in the dog days of summer — mid-80s and armpit-mildew humid, and an hour of strenuous exercise with a styrofoam hat on will make you, uh, bloom. I felt as though my brain was about to poach.

Remind me of this in January.

Has anybody here ever done a punishingly early work schedule? Send your secrets on coping — I need some tips. I’m in search of the elusive bedtime that allows one to survive on just the night’s sleep and not need a supplemental p.m. nap. I’ve been going to bed at 10, but damn, 3:55 a.m. is simply an insane hour for an alarm. “Do you lie there and hit the snooze three or four times?” someone asked me. Answer: Hail no, I don’t dare. I’m out of bed at 3:55:10, because if I don’t get up immediately I won’t make it up at all. Needless to say, coffee is my middle name. No, “Six Cups” is. Caffeine is a vitamin.

Like exercise, once I get going I’m fine, but oh — that getting going.

It helps to read bracing columns first thing in the a.m. Here’s one. Here’s another. (Both are unkind to our president; Republicans beware.)

And then there’s this, Hollywood at its finest.

Me, I’m going to bed.

I know one of the great social movements of our time is a return to orthodoxy in all religions, but you’ll not catch me on that train. I’m enjoying the great cafeteria of secularism and pick-and-choose religious entrees too much.

Also, I mix my metaphors into a great big melting pot. What-evuh.

Anyway, last Friday was the memorial …I guess service isn’t quite the correct word. OK, memorial party for my old neighbor Chuck, who died last month. It was a blast, I must say, and if my own memorial has half as interesting a guest list, generates one-third as many funny stories and has food even a quarter as good, I’ll consider it a life well-lived.

In the middle of it all a half-dozen Buddhist monks showed up and chanted. I missed the beginning, but someone said it was one of those send-your-soul-to-the-afterlife chants, and I loved it — so strange and hypnotic. To my knowledge Chuck wasn’t a Buddhist, but in the photo collage in the dining room was a shot of him posing with a bunch of monks, so they must have had some sort of connection. As a rule I’m not much for new-age religion, and I think Madonna and her kabbalah is just silly. But I’m grateful I’ve reached a point in my life where monks and I appear on the same guest lists.

I just read a story about elections in the Missouri Synod of the Lutheran Church; apparently they’ve been squabbling amongst themselves, ever since a post-9/11 prayer service in which one of their clergyman participated in an ecumenical prayer service with non-Christians. This is a violation of their doctrine, and the synod leader’s failure to suspend the offending minister is cause of great offense among more conservative members.

To which I can only say: Sheesh. Chant on, monks.

Saturday: Fabulous fellow Fellow Fatih came up to the lake with his preggo wife Idil for one last lazy afternoon before their yankee doodle dandy shows up later this month. We drank wine and did the usual lakey things, including ice cream with raspberries from our very own bushes. Isn’t summer wonderful?

Sometimes a girl’s gotta take care of herself. No, sometimes a girl’s just gotta touch up her roots. I tried a new place today, figuring what the hell, let’s make a fresh start.

I like a haircut, personally. I take off my glasses — the hair color gets all over them — and the world goes all swimmy. I hold the fashion magazines right up to my nose, so it looks like I’m really, really interested in 10 Fun Looks For Summer. Today, I read Us, which is not a fashion magazine, more like a gossip rag for people who find People too intellectual. I marveled at all the stars who’ve flown under my radar — who the hell is Marc Anthony, besides the new Mr. J-Lo? Could you pick Tara Reid out of a police lineup? I couldn’t. In the midst of all this, a handsome blur appeared to my left, and asked if I’d like a complimentary hand massage.

Why, certainly.

As he got closer, he came into somewhat sharper focus. Young guy, the new massage therapist at the salon. Works on men and women, prefers an eclectic rub style, said he likes to get to work and then “see what I find,” which sounds sort of dirty when I write it down, but really it wasn’t. He squirted some Aveda lotion on my hand and got to work. Of course it felt marvelous. We made small talk, although I noticed my voice was getting softer and quieter, doubtless a side effect of having my palms rubbed and my fingers handled the way a farmer handles the teats on an udder. It’s hard for me to make small talk without slipping into reporter mode: Where did you go to massage school, young man? Las Vegas, really? What was that like? Have you ever been to the Bellagio? And so on.

Asking questions gives you an opportunity to drift away between them, although I learned a bit — Bellagio waitresses wear fitted suits, with short skirts, but otherwise somewhat tasteful. Las Vegas is a strange place to be a permanent resident. It wasn’t so bad for a while, but he’s glad to be back. He worked as a lifeguard while he went to school, at a hotel pool.

He finished up after about 10 minutes, and there was an awkward tip-me moment, which I ignored. My mitts were feeling too good in the immediate afterglow to go diving into my purse for a fiver, and besides, he said “complimentary.” (Relax. I tipped him when I left.)

People should touch one another in a massage-like manner more often. This is something I firmly believe. Ten minutes with this guy, and I was ready to set him up in an apartment. I liked my cut and color, too, so it was a pretty good afternoon.

Alan’s downstairs listening to “After Bathing at Baxter’s.” All that Grace Slick wailing — sometimes our domestic soundtrack is a little strange. Me, I’m old-skool; you’ll never top “Surrealistic Pillow” in my book. When I had my radio show, the engineer sometimes used the long intro to “She Has Funny Cars” for bumper music, at my request.

Linkage: When Jon Carroll is funny, he frequently captures a certain effervescent goofiness that’s as light and delicate as a soap bubble, but still, just right.

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand nyah nyah nyah nyah nyahs.

“July Surprise” = no surprise.

You have a swell weekend, and I’ll see you after it’s over.

It looks as though we’ve found a bit of breathing space. Chores are more or less caught up, the home front is in confident hands (i.e., not mine), we’re only two days to the weekend. Yee-haw.

One reason I’ve been a bit discombobulated of late is the extreme schedule adjustment since Ann Arbor. I now arrive at work at 5 a.m., an hour so early it generally needs an extra adjective — “ungodly,” say. But little by little, it’s growing on me, sort of. The 3:55 alarm is always a shock, but as early birds all over the world know, there’s some pleasure in being one of the few, the proud, the ambulatory-before-dawn.

My drive to work is over in a jif with so little traffic, but there’s lots to like about it while it lasts. The just-getting-home people, out wandering Creighton Avenue. The members-only Black Pistons MC storefront, frequently still open, with a sturdy bearded biker or two shooting pool until last-man-standing. The sleepy faces in Tom’s Donuts. The open-all-night Taco Bell, downtown. And, of course, “Coast to Coast.”

It’s been a good while since I was up in the wee hours doing much other than nursing a baby or having insomnia, and neither activity is well-suited to radio listening. So I missed the whole Art Bell era, when “Coast to Coast” put itself on the map, with its all-night collection of ghost-hunters, paranormal spoon-benders and, of course, aliens.

An alien called the other morning on my drive in. He said he was a “visitor,” or a “newcomer” or an “ambassador” or something like that, the gist being: He was just now realizing his human form was an illusion, or maybe closer to a shell. He was a one-man sleeper cell for an alien force, and he was awakening to his mission, although it wasn’t entirely clear yet.

“How does one know if you’re one of these?” the host queried.

“You feel estranged from your family,” the man said, among other things. Well, that’s helpful.

The best thing about a 5 a.m. factory whistle? Quittin’ time comes at 1 p.m. One of these days I’ll figure out the magical bedtime that enables me to get through the rest of the day without needing a little nap. It is summer, after all; I should be working on my tan.

A few things you might enjoy reading:

Gwynne Dyer speaks the uncomfortable truth about our involvement in Iraq:

So once more, with feeling: the 9/11 attacks were not aimed at American values, which are of no interest to the Islamists one way or another. They were an operation that was broadly intended to raise the profile of the Islamists in the Muslim world, but they had the further quite specific goal of luring the United States into invading Muslim countries.

The true goal of the Islamists is to come to power in Muslim countries, and their problem until recently was that they could not win over enough local people to make their revolutions happen. Getting the U.S. to march into the Muslim world in pursuit of the terrorists was a potentially promising stratagem, since an invasion should produce endless images of American soldiers killing and humiliating Muslims. That might finally push enough people into the arms of the Islamists to get their stalled revolutions off the ground.

And my friend Jones speaks the somewhat less compelling truth about Bob Knight. If anyone still cares, that is:

Let me tell you something. Knight would never allow anyone to see it. But he’s hurting right now.

And, for a competitor such as Knight, this is indigestible. It’s the cruelest of punishments.

Irrelevance! Who doesn’t know that feeling? Sometimes, anyway.

More tomorrow.

I may have found a true anomaly, even for Fort Wayne — a 50-cent movie house. The holiday snuck up on us, and the forecast threatened rain off and on all day, so we decided to bag a trip to the overcrowded lake and stay in the Fort for our nation’s birthday. Isn’t that what Independence Day is all about? Doing something different? It’s what I always say, anyway.

So off we went to the movies, something we haven’t done for a while. I can’t wait until I can take Kate to “Godfather” film festivals and the like, but for now I have to sit through “Ella Enchanted.” Which, I reminded myself, at least isn’t “Garfield.” And at $10.50 for two admissions, a large popcorn and two drinks, you can’t say the price isn’t right.

What to say about “Ella Enchanted”? How about this: Sometimes Roger Ebert is too kind. And this: If they gave an Oscar for Best Rip-Off, it’d be a shoo-in. Any more would be a waste of words, but it did get me to thinking about when you start telling kids that stuff stinks. I had a neighbor who believed, strongly, that it’s wrong to express value judgments to children on things like movies, TV shows and books. He thought you had to respect children’s opinions, and if they thought “Dragonball Z” was art, well, then that’s what it is.

Not surprisingly, I disagree. “How are they supposed to develop standards of taste?” I asked. The conversation went nowhere. But it’s something I’ve wondered about ever since, because I’ve loudly and frequently shared my opinions about TV and books and movies with Kate since she was big enough to listen. I tell her she can watch Mary-Kate and Ashley TV shows and movies, but we’re not buying book versions of the same stories, because they’re for dull-witted children who can’t be persuaded to read otherwise, so check out this Narnia story instead. This is going to blow up in my face one of these days, I know; her teenage rebellion will probably take the form of writing novelizations for Strawberry Shortcake cartoons, or at the very least I’ll insult someone’s mother. But I don’t care. I remember my mom scowling when a second-grade birthday-party entertainment included seeing “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.” But she took me to see “The Godfather” when I was in seventh grade, something lots of parents would have found equally inappropriate. I got the message: ’70s cinema rules.

But for today, I told her I thought “Ella Enchanted” was OK, but “Shrek” was better. We’ll leave the rougher film criticism for a few years down the road.

I did a little traveling last week. There’s nothing like flying into Fort Wayne, especially from O’Hare, to convince yourself you live in a first-class city. How long has it been since you boarded a plane from a major airport and didn’t use a jetway to do it? At O’Hare, you get to Fort Wayne by passing through gate F1, going down some stairs, crossing a long stretch of tarmac past three or four small, idling jets in whatever cursed airline feeder service has the contract at the moment. Then you board your own Fort-bound aircraft by climbing the steep stairs the fold out of the main door. Where are we going? you think. East Methane? No, East Methane probably has a bigger airport.

Advantages: 1) You don’t have to wear roller skates to get from one gate to another, because there are only eight. 2) Free wi-fi in the airport.

And now the sun is setting on the Fourth of July, so it’s off to the fireworks. Which are already going on in our neighborhood at the moment — the illegal stuff sold on every corner for a month previous are now exploding right outside. You have to sign a form saying you plan to take these illegal fireworks out of state to detonate them; astonishingly, these documents are ignored! We stopped at one of these models of modern capitalism today, to buy sparklers (legal). The clerk sat smoking under the “no smoking” sign, but she let us pet her pit bull puppy. Somehow, I think this says everything there is to say about it.

So happy Fourth of July! Set off some rockets’ red glare, or the terrorists have won!

This may be it for a few days, I fear. As my old pal Steve “Not that one” Austin used to say, I’m busier than a dawg with two …never mind. But until I return — let’s say, next Sunday/Monday — here’s something to page through if you like: “Detached,” a story in graphic form by James Burns, brother of my good friend J.C., among other key relationships. It’s not about web-slinging, but suffering a detached retina three weeks before you’re supposed to move from Indiana to Georgia.

Any comments? Leave them here or with James. I’m sure he’d like to hear them.

Me, I’ll see you on the backside of this busy busy week.

Spam comes in waves, I’ve noticed. OSX Mail gets most of the e-mailed stuff, but lots gets into the comments, and that’s a pain in the butt to handle, MT Blacklist or no. It’s all the usual stuff — penis enlargement, drugs by mail, hot babes just waiting for you to chat with them. Lately, I’ve noticed a spike in fake college degrees.

It’s a nuisance, but it isn’t. I’ve always thought of bottom-feeding advertising as an id of sorts. These folks know who their audience is and where they go, online and otherwise. Right-wing political magazines have — or used to have, anyway — lots of ads for increasing your vocabulary. There was a certain Charles Atlas sell job going on, a sort of “Tired of your college-educated liberal friends kicking sand in your face?” pitch that I always found endearing, sort of. It reminded me that the first time I heard Rush Limbaugh — and I’m talking about way before he was famous, when he was on something like five stations — I said, “This is a fat guy who cannot score with chicks.” And was I right?

I suppose fairness demands I note that left-wing publications have their own id-ads, mostly for products with guilt-free pedigrees and, of course, personal ads.

It’s been a cool June. Coolish, anyway. I find it delightful. There’s a perfect temperature that our house just loves, somewhere in the low 70s, when the windows can stand open all night long and the breeze blows through all the rooms. You can have your air conditioning — give me those nights when the air is filled with the happy sound of illegal fireworks exploding until midnight and beyond.

Heh. That’s my hood.

A few things:

Ron Reagan sounds insufferable, but an interesting sort of insufferable.

Every time I hear that journalists are elitists who are out of touch with the people, I think: Well, it’s not our salaries that make us that way. Gerald Ensley agrees.

I have a secret fantasy life, and it mostly involves food. Baking, to be specific. I have two dreams: 1) To make a buche de noel on Christmas Eve some year when I’m not running around like a crazy person; and 2) To make a wedding cake. Turns out my new friend Hank Stuever shares at least half this fantasy. Only he and his colleague Linda Perlstein actually did it. Eating it, too is their story of how it worked out. Long, but funny:

Things I never thought we would use to make a wedding cake, but did: a power saw, a metal sewing ruler, dental floss, a shish kebab skewer, a Sharpie marker, pantyhose.

Pantyhose! That must be the secret ingredient!

I have little to report today — you really don’t want to hear about Kate’s lemonade stand this weekend — but a few interesting things to recommend.

The NYT has a piece on a FW hometown boy who sits at the right hand — the far right hand — of Karl Rove. He used to write occasional op-ed pieces, too, but I haven’t seen any for a while. The one I remember most was his self-prescribed reading list for the year, every month given to an improving Great Work of Literature. The one I remember best was November, when, he announced, he would read “Ulysses” AND T.S. Eliot’s “Four Quartets.” My friend Dave the English professor quipped, “I think he’d better save that for a month with 31 days.”

Also, I didn’t see “Fahrenheit 9/11” this weekend and I guess I can wait for the video, but I saw enough of it in clip form to get the gist. I haven’t read a review yet that didn’t read like a blind-men-and-elephant thing, until I saw David Edelstein’s in Slate. I thought this simple observation was dead-on: “Fahrenheit 9/11” must be viewed in the context of the Iraq occupation and the torrent of misleading claims that got us there. It must be viewed in the context of Rush Limbaugh repeating the charge that Hillary Clinton had Vince Foster murdered in Fort Marcy Park, or laughing off the exposure of Valerie Plame when, had this been a Democratic administration, he’d be calling every day for the traitor’s head. It must be viewed in the context of Ann Coulter calling for the execution of people who disagree with her. It must be viewed in the context of another new documentary, the superb The Hunting of the President, that documents�irrefutably�the lengths to which the right went to destroy Bill Clinton. Moore might be a demagogue, but never�not even during Watergate�has a U.S. administration left itself so open to this kind of savaging.

Finally, newspapers are general-interest publications, and hardly anyone is a true general-interest reader, so there’s always stuff you don’t read. For me, for most newspapers, it’s most of the sports section (OK, all of it), Omar Sharif’s bridge column, the club listings and a few more items. I pride myself on being generally curious about the world, but hey — life is short.

So you can see my frame of mind when I started this L.A. Times column earlier this week. It began:

It was our housekeeper who first spotted the tiny grains of what looked like black sand in the corner of our kitchen floor.

I have a 1,200-bottle cellar next to our laundry room…

That’s where I stopped. Life, short, etc. (Pause.) OK, I skimmed the rest — a detailed description of how you can protect your wine cellar while your house is being tented and treated for termites.

Ohhh-kay, then. More tomorrow, I think. Probably.

I have to admit it: I feel a little guilty about making fun of Clinton’s book, because … well, because I didn’t read the book. In that, I’m like most of the people making fun of it now, frankly. Sorry, Michiko Kakutani may be a New York Times book critic, but I don’t believe she had time to plow through all 957 pages before panning it so viciously. Neither did the approximately 956 other pundits getting a quick 650 words out of it before they started their summer vacations.

That’s the dirty secret of modern life: It moves so fast you just have to fake it. Not sometimes, most of the time. When you’re a pundit, you have to do your faking in public.

No wonder the public hates us.

OK, that’s enough of that. Talker of the day: Indiana gets a bunch of money in settlement of a suit involving CD pricing, so they spend it on CDs for public libraries. But what happens next? The Indiana attorney general steps in and decides Meredith Brooks (remember her?) is too hot for the state to spend money on it. This album is, anyway. Must be that “Bitch” song.

Saints preserve us.

No, I’m wrong. This was the talker of the day:

An assistant manager at Champs Sports in the Oakdale Mall sprayed a flammable substance on a spider and then set it alight Wednesday, causing a blaze that evacuated the mall, village police and fire officials said.

That’s a link worth following, if only to see the pictures. I actually feel sorry for the dope. Like lots of disasters, it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. As Jeff Foxworthy might say, “Hey everybody, watch this.”

Personally, I give spiders amnesty. They kill flies and other nuisance bugs, and any that give me a problem are captured humanely and escorted to the property line.

Busy, busy weekend ahead. I doubt I’ll be back before Sunday. But you folks have yourselves a good weekend.

Oh, dear God. You know, as much as I’m amused by the idea of Bill Clinton getting a jillion-dollar advance for his book, and driving conservatives crazy by lining them up around the block for an autograph, and writing 957 pages in the first place…well, I’m amused. I just think it’s funny the way it makes steam come out of their ears and all that, the same way they think it’s funny the way Michael Moore gets all apoplectic about Bush’s National Guard service.

And then I read the first sentence of “My Life” — thanks, Slate, for reading it so I don’t have to — and I just…cringe:

“Early on the morning of August 19, 1946, I was born under a clear sky after a violent summer storm to a widowed mother in the Julia Chester Hospital in Hope, a town of about six thousand in southwest Arkansas, thirty-three miles east of the Texas border at Texarkana.”

I mean. The weather report. The name of the hospital. The name of the town. A handy locator map. This guy is a one-man Gannett newspaper. And it’s not just because I’m a copy editor now, either; this is just flat wrong. Where are the editors? Does no one edit the president? Does no one say “Please, less”?

Someone should.

Another interesting tidbit: Clinton was in DeMolay. I knew a boy in Demolay when I was very young. He took me to see “A Clockwork Orange” when I was 14 and he was…older, anyway. He explained DeMolay, but I never, ever got it. Of course, I was Catholic at the time. Just thinking about it now, I’d bet anything he’s a Mason now. He was just the type.

Oh, well. The predictable second-day story to the Clintonmania first-day stories from the east coast was summed up here: Go to a local bookstore, note lack of Clintonmania. Extra credit: Quote someone saying “I disagree with him morally.” Extra extra credit: Note Republican senate candidate in his own sort of mess of late.

Hum to self: When will they ever learn? Oh when will they ever learn?

Because I’m tired, and because nothing much happened today other than beautiful weather and a lovely June day, here’s a note from Deb. I’ve been here so many times I can’t tell you:

I went to a jewelry party last night. kind of like a tupperware party, except it’s all sterling silver. what a fiasco.

at this point I tune them out, thinking, “you do not belong in this room. order something and flee.” I wasn’t even planning to buy anything, but ordering would get me out of there gracefully a lot faster than NOT ordering. so I pony up $30 for a nice pair of square cubic zirconia posts and get the hell out of there.

I think Deb should write a book myself. Note the lack of a weather report in the above pungent passage.

Tomorrow.