This is the end.

You all know I spend four hours each night farming news from the health-care field. Last night’s headline of the evening came from Bloomberg:

‘Designer Vagina’ Surgery Is a $5,500 Danger, Gynecologists Say

If you ask me, “designer vagina” is almost as much fun to say as “ample bottom.” You want to hear it in a song lyric:

Design-a vagina, nothin’ is fine-a / So let’s pour another glass of wine-a…

OK. Sorry for the late post, Danny. You’re not the boss of me, Danny. Actually, I’m not goofing off or anything like it, Danny. I’m working. But since you insist…

My schedule got all discombobulated this morning; I had my eyes checked for a new pair of glasses. It was an interesting experience; the optician took my old ones and led me into the exam room before disappearing with them. A blur entered and introduced herself as the doctor. She asked me to read what I could from the chart.

“And where, exactly, is the chart?” I asked. This is what we call a baseline reading. I was finally able to make out the single-letter line: “That’s an O, unless it’s a C.” It’s official — I’ve turned into Burgess Meredith in the Twilight Zone. Next step is a white cane and a golden retriever, no doubt.

I came home and had to put my nose directly to the grindstone, and am just now coming up for air. Just in time for the end of summer. My brain is already on vacation, as you can plainly see. Since we’ve been trifling all week, let’s keep up the theme, eh?

Today in anorexia: Really, Keira, you look great in that dress. And what man wouldn’t prefer the rag-and-bone Renee Zellweger over the plumper one in the red dress? That picture is horrifying — you can see veins in her shins. Scroll down from Keira’s lollipop figure to Joely Richardson, who appears to have recently returned from a long stay in a country with no food. You could chip your tooth if you tried to kiss her shoulder, but who would?

Meanwhile, I got a note from a fellow fan of “Mad Men” who says the redheaded secretary played by Christina Hendricks is his new dream girl. That picture’s just a headshot, but trust me — she’s got it goin’ on, upstairs and downstairs. Her clothes don’t “hang” well, because in the ’50s they weren’t made to hang; they were made to cling. Clothing designers then acknowledged women have waists and hips and what’s more — crazy to think of — men might appreciate seeing them once in a while.

I was three years old during the era this show depicts. Once again, I miss the boat. Story of my life.

No wonder women feel they need a designer vagina these days. Once upon a time, tits ‘n’ ass would do. Have a great weekend. I’ll be traveling down Columbus way. Marcia, drop me a line if you’re not working. The rest of you, back whenever.

Posted at 12:51 pm in Same ol' same ol', Television |

25 responses to “This is the end.”

  1. MichaelG said on August 31, 2007 at 1:07 pm

    That revirginization might be worth 5500 bucks to some Pakastani girl.

    Say “designer vagina ” with a Boston accent.

    Have a great three dayer, all!

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  2. Danny said on August 31, 2007 at 1:11 pm

    Thanks, Nance. 🙂

    Definitely the Renee Z. in the red dress.

    We went to a party last weekend and saw a female acquaintance who is basically eating little and exercising much. She had on a sleeveless top and we could see that she had a huge vein running from her shoulder to her wrist. On each arm. Perfect symmetry. Now I too am vascular and tend to think leaner builds are healthier builds, but I thought this a little much.

    Of course, her face was quite gaunt too.

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  3. alex said on August 31, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Hey, working girls! How about a little Gucci Coochie? Surely you can afford one if you’re a Shiseido masochist.

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  4. brian stouder said on August 31, 2007 at 2:15 pm

    Well, leaving aside designer vaginas (which in any case cannot possibly represent an improvement!), we must pass along this ‘companion’ story (so to speak) about Mr Dick


    Beware in Columbus!!

    an excerpt –

    COLUMBUS, Ohio – David Stroupe said it was one of the worst experiences with a performer in the history of the Funny Bone Comedy Club.

    He was referring to Andy Dick, a former co-star on the 1990s sitcom “NewsRadio,” who appeared at the Funny Bone last weekend. Stroupe, the club’s managing partner, said the 41-year-old actor-comedian made inappropriate comments while on stage, groped patrons, took women into the men’s room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person.

    Watch out, and/or, bring an umbrella

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  5. nancy said on August 31, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    Alex, I think you’ve got a hit on your hands.

    We’ll call it, “Ya-ya by Miu Miu.” I think it’s perfect for Beyonce.

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  6. Danny said on August 31, 2007 at 3:00 pm

    Man, according to defamer, that’s just the way Andy rolls. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

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  7. Kirk said on August 31, 2007 at 3:11 pm

    Nance, we had a localized version of the cuter cooter surgery story on Page A1 of the Big D today, mentioning the G-spot before the jump. So far, no word on whether this prompted ex-editor Bob to have the big one.

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  8. Jolene said on August 31, 2007 at 4:16 pm

    Here’s an off-topic bit of humor for a Friday afternoon–Hillary Clinton doing her own Top 10 on the David Letterman show last night. She does a nice job. Good lines, well delivered.

    Earlier in the interview, there were some funny references to his jokes about her pantsuits. I liked the whole interview (which doesn’t seem to be online), but her choice of clothes for last night’s show won’t have done anything to reduce the frequency of those jokes.

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  9. brian stouder said on August 31, 2007 at 4:25 pm

    Jolene, that was GREAT!

    Thanks – a very nice end to the pre-holiday Friday

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  10. Jolene said on August 31, 2007 at 4:28 pm

    And an even more off-topic comment on politics: Sen. John Warner (R-VA) announced his retirement today. Showing his usual graciousness, he said that, at 80, it was time for him to step aside. As a recent immigrant to Virginia, I’m a little sorry to see him go. His courtliness is both genuine and appealing, and he has been both a serious senator and a good representative of the Republican party’s better angels, which we have seen little of in recent times.

    Whatever happens in the presidential race, his retirement will make the next election interesting for Virginians. There are strong candidates in both parties. The most likely pair of candidates is Mark Warner, a center-left Democrat and a popular former governor and, for the Repubs, Tom Davis, a center-right member of the House from NoVa.

    So, a race to watch for Virginians, as well as one that has national implications in terms of its potential to strengthen the Democratic majority in the Senate, or not if Davis (or another Repub)* wins. My prediction: Warner will win.

    *A discussion on a WaPo blog indicates that George Allen, he of the macaca moment, is thinking about running. Hard to believe, but people w/ giant egos aren’t always good at perceiving reality.

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  11. Jolene said on August 31, 2007 at 4:30 pm

    Brian, as you can see, it wasn’t quite the end. Just wanted to say something about Warner’s announcement, which as I said, is both sad and exciting for me.

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  12. Marcia said on August 31, 2007 at 9:33 pm

    Incoming, Nance. I’m thinking Gallery Hop.

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  13. Danny said on September 1, 2007 at 9:12 am

    Oh, and hey lookie here. A few of the bars have wireless internet so you two can have a couple of pops and tell us all what you really think. 🙂

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  14. Danny said on September 1, 2007 at 9:19 am

    Whew, that was close. Got an html tag misplaced and everything was haywire. The “submit comments” button became a link to that north shore or short north or whatever page and would not let me correct on edit. Much worse than Brian’s italics issues.

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  15. Danny said on September 1, 2007 at 9:54 am

    Oh, wow. Pete Seeger is finally getting around to writing a song that is critical of Joseph Stalin. Glory be. I guess it’s never too late to eat crow, even if you have to chase it with Ensure.

    Wonder if Brian De Palma or Tim Robbins. Will live long enough to have similar epiphanies.

    Ashley, the project that has had me working so many hours for so many months is winding down over the next few weeks. I plan to start writing senators and congress-critters about fixing the levees. Perhaps without having the money make a pitstop regionally or locally so that Tom Tancredo can stop his belly-aching about how we’re wasting money in NOLA.

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  16. brian stouder said on September 1, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    Interesting links, Danny. The De Palma movie looks like one to skip.

    Just as one cannot accurately conceive Hollywood as one vast leftist entity, bent on subverting an otherwise virtuous America (as Medved often tries), the US military cannot accurately be conceived as a ruthless band of rapists and liars, that defile America’s otherwise innocent nature (as De Palma and Robbins seem to think)

    Other than that, gallery hop looks interesting!

    And – no italics issues!! Woo Hoo!!

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  17. ashley said on September 1, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    Oh, Nance, if you get the chance, ask Eric Zorn ’bout that maize and blue thing.

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  18. LA Mary said on September 3, 2007 at 5:51 pm

    It’s been109 here for the last three days, so I’ve been laying low and watching the tube. Three things, AMC had a Mad Men marathon yesterday, which I watched; three times this weekend Zoolander was on opposite Titanic, and I have discovered another really bad movie that allows you to predict action and dialogue with great precision. It’s The Cowboy Way and it’s so bad. The upside is that children can feel really cool predicting what’s going to happen next. Sort of entry level crappy writing.

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  19. Danny said on September 4, 2007 at 8:45 am

    Mary, we had to lay low too (wife hurt her back), so we ended up checking out the Mad Men marathon too. Man, all that smoking and drinking. And everyone’s healthy as a horse too.

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  20. LA mary said on September 4, 2007 at 9:58 am

    Lots of smoking and drinking. I like the guy upchucking after three dozen oysters, five martinis and a cheesecake.

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  21. Danny said on September 4, 2007 at 10:04 am

    I know. That whole scene at the restaurant, before he got sick, was grossing us out. Kinda like that Hemingway novel (The Sun Also Rises, I think) where you feel sick just reading about all of the drinking.

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  22. nancy said on September 4, 2007 at 10:08 am

    I wonder which of the office ladies got to clean up that one.

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  23. Danny said on September 4, 2007 at 10:20 am

    I can tell you which one did not have too.

    Edit: By the way, my wife and I agree that the prettiest woman in the cast is the blonde who plays Draper’s wife. The redhead (office manager)…well, she’s just a bit too much for my taste.

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  24. Halloween Jack said on September 5, 2007 at 10:55 am

    Renee Z. is just kind of sad–looks like she just spent a year in the desert, eating kangaroo rats to survive–but Keira K. is positively scary; her head is way too big for that body; she looks like Jack Skellington with a wig.

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