The naughty bits.

(Please, hit “play” before you start reading. It’s important for the overall effect.)

Ssh. The mayor’s chief of staff is sending him love notes. Let’s listen in:

“I still want to be in your arms, kiss you, hug you, love you. Wishing you were my husband.”

…”I have wanted to hold you so badly all day, but I was trying to stay focused on work. …I’m in my office. Do you want me to come to yours or you coming to mine?”

…”This is one of those little things I just had to tell you. Last night when I was laying on your shoulder in the car and you held my face and sang whatever song it was, that felt so good. It was just one of those little moments when you just made me fall some more!”

… “Just FYI now that I’m tipsy and will say anything: one thing that is sticking with me from Saturday was when I asked you why it felt so good, and you told me because I was your lady, that for whatever reason, was something that stayed with me real strong! Crazy, huh?”

…”In case you haven’t noticed, I’m madly in love with you too! More and more everyday! I can’t believe how much more it grows. Is there a limit?”

As Laura Berman points out, the mayor’s responses were somewhat, er, less ardent:

“Damn! Thank you!”



She says she wishes he’d be “her husband.” He replies that she’ll always be “my girl.” Hmm.

Yes, the city was abuzz yesterday, and it wasn’t from everyone’s phone being set to vibrate. The text-message scandal, which was first about sex and then about bid-rigging and then about perjury, swung back to sex in a big way. Both papers posted the once-was-lost, now-is-recovered secret document, the one that, when presented to Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s lawyers last fall near the conclusion of a whistle-blower lawsuit, caused them to shit their pants and open the city’s wallet. For a while, you kept getting Server Busy/Try Again messages on the website, but sooner or later, anyone could get the gist — this was the oldest story in the world, played out on the latest technology. Cross my heart — the Fox anchor read the phrase “good head” on the 10 p.m. news, although they bleeped “head.” (She said she wanted to give him some, but didn’t know how to ask permission. He replied that — duh — she didn’t need it.)

A little titillation’s a dangerous thing. If this scandal starts being about sex again, Kwame wins. Because everyone has a sexual skeleton in their closet, and everyone thinks there-but-for-the-grace-of-God, etc. When, at its heart, this story is about malfeasance in public office, not to mention criminal stupidity. Once again: Didn’t anyone in this administration have a lick of discretion? Hasn’t anyone seen a Mafia movie? Doesn’t anyone understand that some things you just don’t commit to paper or e-paper?

And finally, who can write this much with their thumbs? (These were two-way text pagers, with QWERTY keyboards, but tiny ones, for thumb-typers only.) I mean, why write “good head” when “bj” has only two letters?

Pfft. OK, you can turn Billy Paul off now. (Unless you, like me, are sort of enjoying the groove. Love a good cheatin’ song.)

No bloggage today, folks. I’m under three deadline guns at the moment. Oh, wait — there’s this, thanks to Moe in the comments previous. Now that the Texas funda-crazy story is reaching the wait-did-we-perhaps-act-too-rashly phase, it’s useful to read and remember: These people don’t deserve to have dogs, much less children.

Posted at 10:25 am in Uncategorized |

39 responses to “The naughty bits.”

  1. Mindy said on April 30, 2008 at 10:57 am

    Love the mood music for reading by. Do that more often.

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  2. Jolene said on April 30, 2008 at 11:01 am

    To follow up on the “gender differences in communication” theme, you might want to check out the entertainment Gene Weingarten is offering. He’s asking his readers to report behaviors that identify people as either male or female. Here’s one I liked:

    Observations: Male vs Female, Feeding Ducks At A Pond

    Female: attempts to distribute bread evenly among ducks. Tries to make sure smallest duck gets some extra pieces. Gets annoyed at duck bullies. Gives some bread to stranger’s child.

    Male: attempts to land bread pieces on duck’s back. Throws entire slice of bread to see if ducks fight over it. Throws bread to one side, then the other, to make ducks swim back and forth. Tries to see if ducks will also eat tacos.

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  3. Dorothy said on April 30, 2008 at 11:06 am

    That’s hilarious, Jolene! And dead-on.

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  4. Danny said on April 30, 2008 at 11:18 am

    House keeping note: A few of you have been spinning in defense of Obama and his kooky, racist pastor Wright over the past few weeks. The frequent refrain has been that this was not important and it didn’t bother you in the least (Brian, Jolene, Alex, etc). Well, to quote the eminent philospher Steve Perry from the song “Who’s Cryin’ Now,” Nyah-nahhh Nah-Nah nahhh nah-nah nah-nah nah-nahhhhh.

    Apparently, Senator Obama agrees with me that this is important and that it is something to be bothered about. I’m glad. Should I decide to vote for him, it will make it easier for me and millions of others who care about racial issues and reconciliation to pull that lever. I am not saying that the rest of you don’t care, just that you need to pull your head out ofthe partisan sand and be honest.

    Yeah, and I know the argument that he went to this church to get a start in politics and none of it ever really meant anything. It’s probably true (except, I hope, the part about his true faith in Christ), but you still can’t associate with race-baiting propogandist without getting smeared. He should have come clean sooner. I think he wanted to.

    And Jeff, as a fellow believer and a pastor, I hope that this whole “Black Liberation Theology” troubles you deeply. The best thing one could say about it is that it seems like another gospel, which, to quote Paul, is not a gospel at all. In truth, it is race-baiting rhetoric that foments anger and causes division. Christ is not dvided. We should not be either.

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  5. Jolene said on April 30, 2008 at 11:42 am

    Nyah-nahhh Nah-Nah nahhh nah-nah nah-nah nah-nahhhhh.

    What school of theology has that as its slogan?

    But seriously, w/o going back to look at my previous statements, I don’t think I would have said that the Rev. Wright issue didn’t matter, although I may have said it didn’t matter to me.

    I’m glad Obama said what he said yesterday, but I find the whole situation very sad. Wright was surpassed, overshadowed, and, in Philadelphia, severely criticized by a man he’d helped to become who he is. He set out to defend himself and, in so doing, hurt his protege more and, on Monday AM at the National Press Club, made himself look ridiculous as well.

    There is more than contemporary politics at play in this situation. There’s the history of oppression that kept talented people of Wright’s generation from expressing their talents fully, the anger and paranoia that make indefensible ideas attractive, and the simple frailty of the human heart: the experience of hurt, jealousy, disappointment.

    There are many credible, completely non-ideological observers that have said that they never heard Wright say the kinds of things we saw in the video clips, so, although he obviously said them, such statements can’t have been common–although I wouldn’t doubt that other, less incendiary statements critical of the government and our society did occur often. There are also many testaments to the impressive achievements of the church as an organization.

    I think we owe it to Wright, Obama, and each other not to beat up on each other and say “I told you so” about this series of events, which, we can only hope, is over.

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  6. brian stouder said on April 30, 2008 at 11:47 am

    My lovely wife e-mailed me to say that she agrees with Danny!

    All I have to say is: what Jolene said!

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  7. Sue said on April 30, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    Really, Danny, I expect better from you.

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  8. alex said on April 30, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    Stuff the schadenfreude, Danny. As I said before, the Wright stuff doesn’t bother me, and I believe that anyone who claims to be bothered by it wasn’t an Obama supporter anyway.

    Here you are talking like you actually might consider voting for him. Shame on you. We all know better. You’re the one who’s doing the baiting here.

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  9. Kirk said on April 30, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    Sorry to interrupt the partisan bickering, but . . .

    * Pursuant to yesterday’s thread, Texas officials now say that they are investigating the possibility that the boys at the polygamist nuts’ compound were sexually abused, too.

    * And a moment of silence for Albert Hofmann.

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  10. alex said on April 30, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Oh, and

    Christ is not dvided. We should not be either.

    Really, Danny? How many Christian sects are there in the world? Thousands?

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  11. Catherine said on April 30, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    Nancy, this is why I read your blog every day: That situation in city hall was messed up and wrong and probably criminal. And still, the mind veers inexorably to: How DID she write all that with her thumbs?

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  12. coozledad said on April 30, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    I’m sure everyone will find it equally important that McCain snap the umbilicus to his end-times megachurch pals, even though it would cut his buddy Joe Lieberman to the quick. But let’s not dwell on that. Our next president might be a negro! AAAGGHHH!

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  13. Jolene said on April 30, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    FYI, here’s a link to interview with Rev. Wright focused on his relationship w/ Obama. The interview was conducted in saner days–Feb ’07. Worthwhile for what it reveals about both men.

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  14. Danny said on April 30, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    Guys, for those who did not get it, the “nah-nah” stuff was a total joke.

    And Sue, Kirk. What partisan bickering? I honestly don’t get it. Can I not say the obvious about the Wright situation and not get some agreement even when Obama himself agrees? If people here are going to get their feelings hurt because they are wrong on some issue, well then they are going to be in for a lot of dissapointments in life. We are ALL wrong from time to time. Geesh. I am NOT being partisan!

    Alex, I am serious about the possibility of voting for Obama. Really. He is beginning to win both myself and my wife over with what we perceive as honesty and an ability to really heal some things in our country. I do not care if he has a “-D” after his name if he is the best candidate. Seriously, I don’t. And he is looking more and more like that to me since he gave that speech yesterday.

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  15. Danny said on April 30, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    Really, Danny? How many Christian sects are there in the world? Thousands?

    Kirk, you may or may have an iron in this fire, but the appeal I make for unity in Christ is in-house for the Church and an echo of what Paul had to preached from the beginning. The admonition is for what ought to be and what we believe will be some day.

    And when someone like Wright tries to divide the Church among racial lines, you better believe we are going to have a discussion about it amongst brethren.

    I don’t know if you count yourself in the faith or not, bit even an uninterested outsider should not consider this sneer-worthy.

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  16. alex said on April 30, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    Puhleeze, Danny. I seem to recall you were unimpressed with the speech Obama gave during the initial phase of the Wright brouhaha, and I cannot imagine that anything he said yesterday changed your mind.

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  17. Danny said on April 30, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    My lovely wife e-mailed me to say that she agrees with Danny!

    Thanks for passing that along, Brian. Pam, I am honored!

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  18. Kirk said on April 30, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Danny, that wasn’t me asking you about Christianity. And I wasn’t pointing the “partisan bickering” arrow only at you; it takes more than one to bicker.

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  19. Danny said on April 30, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Alex, you are right about the initial speech. I hated it and thought he was either hedging his bets (very likely) or that he secretly agreed with Wright (very unlikely). In either case, it did not go far enough by half for me.

    But yesterday was very, very different. I am totally serious. It resonated with me. He said stuff that I so needed to hear. One part that was especially important was about Wright’s statements being so wrong and antithetical to what his whole campign stands for. Unity and building bridges to paraphrase.

    Yesterday Obama was not making excuses for a “crazy uncle.” He was speaking truth and THAT meant so much to me.

    EDIT: Sorry, Kirk. Thanks.

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  20. John c said on April 30, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    Excellent thread here. And as an Obama guy I’d love to chime in. No time, though. All I wanted to say was that I loved the music bed. But a slightly different song would have fallen closer in line with my impression of the Mayor as a lovah. How about “Love Me Sexy” by the legendary Jackie Moon?

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  21. alex said on April 30, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    Ain’t buyin’ it, Danny.

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  22. moe99 said on April 30, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    Me, I want Barry White music for this…..

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  23. Jeff (the mild-mannered one) said on April 30, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    Sheesh — guys, in the words of Moses, take these two tablets and call me in the morning. I’m bouncing through O’Hare, where unlike little airports like Columbus and Wichita, wi-fi is a precious commodity offered to the elites only . . . or those with maaad hacker skilz!

    Danny, half my former theology profs are smoking a doobie full of “9-11 was committed by Marvin Bush” lunacy. I also take a wide stance on what your pastor can say and it not necessarily be your problem, let alone your belief. There is a tone of “wait-a-minnit” on both sides that makes me think some pre-existing detente was broken, or perceived to be broken, between Obama and Wright. Don’t know.

    Alex, can’t speak for Danny-boy, but i’m currently leaning McCain (not gonna hold Rod Parsley against him, but it made me look); given that, if McCain were to pick a Pat Buchananite running mate loon, i’d have to look at who the D’s were running. I can, with sincerity, see scenarios that would have me considering a vote for HRC or Obama (Nader is not even trying to be serious).

    And as i like to pitch into the conversations here, GOP-ers have an interest in a strong, sensible opposition. ’68 got us Watergate, and ’84 got us a cake shaped like a key and Iran-Contra out the back door. The level of dialog in the Democratic primaries is of interest to me on multiple levels, not just oppo research.

    Now onto an Airbus — pray for me!

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  24. Dexter said on April 30, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    The music is great background here! It fits perfectly.
    Wright…what great theater! Now Obama feels he has to denounce Wright even more.
    It seems to me that people are getting their panties in a bunch
    over nothing. I am a long time reader of the ChiTrib & Sun-Times, and just from that I know that South Side Black churches have politically-charged pulpits.
    What church goers agree , Jim Jones-like, with their pastors?
    People that don’t create a disturbance over the direction the pastor is taking their church may still disagree with the content and validity of the sermons. Some people sleep during sermons and to them church is strictly a social event.
    Obama can attend any church he wants … don’t we have separation of church and state? JFK distanced himself from Rome to show he wasn’t Pope John XXIII’s puppet…who in their right mind believes Wright will influence Obama one iota in regards to political positions? It’s all hogwash.

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  25. Dexter said on April 30, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    A320? Nice. A380? Sweet! I love Airbus compared to some of the rattletrap old 737’s Ive been on over the years.
    You’ll be OK,Jeff…at least you aren’t boarding an obsolete 707 like they stuck us on years ago for a trans-pacific flight…the carpeting was chewed up and the old steward walked down the aisle sprinkling Aqua Velva to quell the stench of the rotten old plane. That’s the type of aircraft the military chartered back then.

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  26. MichaelG said on April 30, 2008 at 6:49 pm

    So are we now going to see Miley Cyrus dressed up like one of those Texas cult ladies?

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  27. Jolene said on April 30, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    Robin Givhan, the WaPo’s Pulitzer Prize-winning fashion critic had a piece on the fashions of the Texas ladies, MichaelG.

    My favorite sentence:

    Like a lot of people, they have used attire to identify themselves as part of a tribe — in this case, one that has apparently rejected the art of made-to-measure tailoring.

    I’m not expecting to see young Ms. Cyrus adopting their garb anytime soon, but then, since the idea seems to be to do whatever sells, it may yet happen.

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  28. nancy said on April 30, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    At the museum sleepover, one of the mothers threw her hair forward and then somehow pushed it into a Texas-polygamist pompadour, and it just…killed. She’s not a joke-making type, so that made it even funnier.

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  29. Joe K said on April 30, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    Ok, Living in Indiana I have had enough of the politicians. Hill, and Obom, both spouting off on how they are going to help me by making gas prices go down. My only question is, How exactly are they going to do this?? I guess I missed the part in Government class on Presidents setting prices for goods. Heck cars cost to much so I guess they will force the car company’s to lower there prices too. It is just laughable. Our politicians on both sides promise stuff they can’t possibly do and people buy it. Oh well I am going do do the one thing I can to help out. Thats right the wife and I are going to Disney World in the morning. Spending a long weekend with Mickey and the gang. I am not buying a paper or watching the news. maby when I get back it will be all over.
    Play nice when I am gone. I’ll check back in Monday night when we get back. The great thing about Mrs telling tales sight is even when we disagree on things, we are still friends.
    Blue Sky’s,
    Pilot Joe

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  30. brian stouder said on April 30, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Speaking of female felony fashion, check out this article, and especially the pictures!

    The woman escaped (or simply walked out of!) the Detroit House of Corrections 32 years ago (now the Robert Scott Correctional Facility)…..and, while she looked the part of a fugitive in 1976, she looks marvelously “corrected” now! The pictures are so striking (to me, anyway) that they trump her remarkable story (sure to be a Lifetime movie, if it isn’t already)

    (One wonders how she ever explained to the people in her reconstructed life how she had no family or friends from her early years)

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  31. alex said on April 30, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    We fags live a reconstructed life every day. All for the benefit of someone else’s comfort level. Hell, anyone can do it, and all that much easier with an O-positive vanilla sex drive.

    She looks like she has redeemed herself as a good Republican bleach-and-mousse conservative, so here’s hoping the hacks on the bench give her some air kisses and a slap on her tennis bracelet.

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  32. brian stouder said on April 30, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    I dunno Alex – she may not be GOP; she looks a little like Dee Dee Myers (big-time Democrat)…..still, your larger point is well taken.

    Lots of people do indeed lead reconstructed lives; I suppose it could be argued that an unreconstructed life would be essentially pointless (what WOULD be the point of growing older, once one escaped High School and then their 20’s, if not to improve/reinvent/reconstruct/rethink?)

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  33. Jeff (the mild-mannered one) said on April 30, 2008 at 11:27 pm

    Dexter and Joe can both laugh at me, but those Airbus 320s seem to wiggle their wings up and down way more than should be necessary.

    Anyhow, it landed, and i made it home. Agree with most of what Dexter said, and say again in Rev. Wright’s . . . um, defense isn’t really what i’m going for, but the fact that the other big faith community down the block was Mosque Maryam No. 2 pastored by Louis Farrakhan leaves me cutting Wright more slack than most of my ministerial colleagues might think was proper.

    They haven’t driven the Dan Ryan, either. I don’t drive I-270 around Columbus the way i do up I-94 — context isn’t everything, but it’s pretty important.

    We gotta stop disavowing people, though. This is just getting silly.

    [Pat Paulsen for President! He’d never disavow Tommy Smothers . . .]

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  34. sue said on May 1, 2008 at 12:56 am

    I am totally with Joe K on the false promises thing. The three candidates are all senators – why haven’t they used their current powers to make the changes they are promising? The president is an administrator – a powerful one, yes, but most of the work gets done in a different branch of the government, the one that the three candidates are currently in. I’m probably being too simplistic on this, but I’ve always wondered why we think a president can work miracles. Some do (both of the Roosevelts, in my opinion); most don’t.
    And Miley, or whatever her name is? She’s catching flack for showing a bare back, but I’m way more creeped out by the picture with her dad.

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  35. beb said on May 1, 2008 at 7:12 am

    In re Obama and Rev. Wright: My wife walked out of her church (Lutheran) when the new preacher started talking about dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark. I’m not sure which was worse, that he believed an obvious fairy tale like Noah’s Ark or that, contrary to all scientific evidence, he believed that dinosaurs existed a scant 5000 years ago.

    Me, I quit all churchs when I left home.

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  36. caliban said on May 1, 2008 at 8:24 am

    I always thought Me and Mrs. Jones was the perfect embodiment of insincere, sleazy, adulterous braggadocio from a smirking, egocentric Lothario with no real interest in the object of his lust. So, I suppose, it’s the perfect soundtrack for the unbridled id of Kwame “Je t’aime–moi non plus” Kilpatrick.

    For some reason, this put me in mind of Clarence Carter, the anguish of love bordering on obsession, and heartbreaking Stax/Volt guitars (courtesy of the singer himself). So, thanks for making my day.

    Of course, Clarence was not immune to the concupiscent angle on this sort of arrangement.

    (Neither of these ‘videos’ is remotely watchable, but for sincerity and salaciousness, the two songs are wonderful. I seriously doubt that Strokin’ ever got any air play.)

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  37. MichaelG said on May 1, 2008 at 8:54 am

    Was it JoeK who said “If it ain’t Boeing, I ain’t going”? I guess an A320 is alright as long as the nose wheel is pointed in the right direction when it lands.

    There have been something like 15 of these incidents. Oh, and this is why those airline captains are paid decent bucks. This LAX incident was great for the media. I watched it live on the 5:00 news. It was perfect. Drama, scariness, suspense and a happy ending. Everytime somebody says “A320” I think of it.

    Easy please, Caliban. I used to have a mild letch for Jane Birkin.

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  38. moe99 said on May 1, 2008 at 10:01 am

    What is it about extramarital sex that makes folks’ love notes sound like junior high? My ex forgot to delete from the delete file, his mash notes to his lover and I’ve saved them over the past nine years, wondering whether to use them now as he’s running for his first statewide office (he told me he wanted a divorce the day after he was sworn in for the first time as a state legislator–with me and the children there to complete the photo perfect scene just once for him) or later if he ever runs for governor, as he has boasted to friends that he will do.

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  39. Marcia said on May 9, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    Late to the party, as always, but the music. You are so stinkin’ funny.

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